This...is me :)

I know that I look a HAWT ass mess and I know that I look extra eeeeextra chunky, but it was 10:30 at night and so not the time to be worried about looking like a beauty queen. I'm trying something new so I hope you enjoyed me talking about absolutely nothing. :)

Christina Aguilera-->Xtina-->Christina Aguilera

There is something so incredibly beautiful about this woman.

I don't know very many people personally who listen to her music, but I started out, like everyone else, listening to her because she was part of the huge pop craze that hit pre-teens and teenagers like The Plauge about 10 years ago. Britney Spears, N'SYNC, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, I even remember some group that had a song out about Abercrombie & Fitch. Christina Aguilera was definitely not as popular as Britney was back then but let's compare the two nowadays and see where they are now that pop is no longer what's flying off the shelves at Best Buy and Target. Christina's second album titled "Stripped" has BY FAR been my favorite one to date. For the first couple of years I had the CD I listened to tracks 1-11 on repeat anytime I popped it in. Oneday I just decided to let the thing play all the way through, and after that I couldn't wait until she came out with another. The one thing I absolutely love about this woman's music is everything she sings about is what a lot of females seem to be afraid to say. Most of us hate to admit that after a break-up the real problem was that we were naive and blinded by what we wanted rather than what was really there, but still can't seem to let go. Or even the ones who are a little embarrassed to be themselves sexually. Afraid to be as liberal with their sexuality as a man is because of the double standards. And let's not forget about those of us who are so strong willed and stubborn that we have the hardest time admitting that sometimes we can't pick up the pieces and that *one guy* saves us from ourselves. And let us PUH-LEASE not forget how good the girl can saaaaaaaaang! I definitely feel she is nowhere near as recognized as the phenomenal singer/songwriter she is. However, I will go on to say that throughout the years she has been in the spotlight, it's been...interesting to see how certain events almost define the context of her albums. It's no mystery that when someone falls in love their whole lease on life is totally different, and when I say in love I don't mean the one that makes you swear you'll never love again, but the real one. The kind that makes you, well, sing! LoL. So, yeah, LADIES whether you're going through something or not, one way or another you will relate to this girl's lyrics because they are the truth and she sings it so beautifully. Download iTunes if you don't already have it and check out some of her music if you haven't heard her albums. Disappointment is not an option.

Blahhh!

So here I am, day 3 of being siiiiiiiiiiiiick. I haven't been like this in God knows how long. I started out with body aches and no appetite (which is VERY unusual, lol) and then I've just gotten worse each day. I'll spare the details, but I stuck it out and went to work Monday and yesterday, but I HAD to stay in the bed today. I did get up for just a little while and decided to go see how well I was doing with my weight loss and I went down another pound!! So that makes about 23 all together and over all I've lost 18 inches. I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself, which is something new because I've always been very self-conscious. I suppose there are things here and there about my physical appearance that I will never be satisfied with, but for the the most part I'm feeling good. On another note, I'm not doing so well "personally". I still have yet to wake up feeling normal. I smile and laugh and go on with my daily life as if everything is normal and nothing bothers me. I guess it's fairly simple to do so because I keep trying to convince myself that I really am okay. I still pray and every time I start thinking about it I tell myself "you're okay, you'll be fine, you're strong". It's just...lonely. I remember feeling like this about a year ago. When I look back and think about how vulnerable I was there was almost nothing I was immune to when it came to men. That's exactly why I ended up with the bottom of the barrel. So until things change, I'll just keep a smile on my face and continue to be strong so that I don't fall victim to another person's split personality. I recently heard someone say that there are 3 chapters in a relationship: The Introduction, The Friendship, and The Intimacy. She explained that intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex, but the point in your relationship where you begin to share personal thoughts and feelings with each other. There's no time limit for it; it can take a few weeks, a few months or even a few years. Now, when you're in your early 20's that can all happen in one day! I just...miss him. Hmph, anyway. I'm starting school in a week and a half and I'm equally nervous as I am excited. I've been online constantly looking at all of my options as a RN. I know I have a couple of years before I have to even worry about it, but it's already been 2 years since I finished school the first time around! I'm also really looking forward to meeting new people. My 3 girls will always, always, always be my number 1, but it'll be interesting to see what kind of other people I become friends with.

Sunday Morning

What a week!

Monday I GOT MY CAR!!!!! I feel like such a princess driving that car. The best part about it, is it's mine. I realized after getting that car that for the next few years the most important thing is me. I'm making it a priority that before I start a life with someone else, I have to have everything for myself and I want to make sure that I leave time to enjoy it. I've seen too many women go from having nothing to everything being "ours" instead of "mine", and I don't want that. Wednesday, I met up with an old friend and I had about a million and one thoughts going through my head the whole time. One thing he said to me that I could not agree more with, was that we jumped head first into our relationship. We had known each other in another life and I guess because of our history, I felt that there was no need to "get to know each other" or be friends for a while. But we are definitely not the same people today that we were back then. I'm a HUGE believer in God's will, and if it's meant to be it will be. There was never a bad moment between us and that's probably the hardest part about starting completely over and having a strictly platonic relationship. We both have a lot of personal things that need to be fixed before the two of us can go any further in life as a couple and actually have a healthy and successful relationship. All I can do is pray about it. I watched Waiting to Exhale this weekend and after years of seeing that movie over 100 times I finally get it. The one thing I love about that movie is in spite of the bullshit in their relationships they still remained strong women who depended on the foundation of their friendship with one another to get through hard times. One of the character's, Bernadine, was left after 11 years of marriage for another woman. The worst part for her was that she "didn't have a plan B". Her marriage was her life, her backbone and while no one enters a marriage expecting it to fail, too many women realize when it's too late that they don't know anything but their life at home. This goes back to what I said earlier about having my own. I'd love to get married and have a family, but I need to know for my own satisfaction that if things don't work out, I'll be just fine on my own. The one thing I loved about that movie was the closeness the 4 women had. I can only hope that as me and my girls get older and life changes we'll always look to each other for love and comfort. Because with your girls, you know it's always genuine.

Day 3

So right now I'm kind of up and down with how I've been feeling the last few days. I've had a lot of time to think this weekend and one minute I'll be fine, the next minute I'm sad, a few minutes after that I get angry. I'll just be glad when I get back to normal and I'm happy again. I was cleaning out one of my purses yesterday and I found the ticket stub to the first movie we ever went to, and the stub for the last movie we saw. It made me giggle a little bit. But my day went on and it was pretty eventful for the most part. I had to babysit yesterday morning and for the first time, the kids parents left the car seat for the little one AND the keys to their Tahoe. I felt something like a queen sittin' up in that thing, lol. So Madisyn and I played "store" for a few minutes while Hagan ran around with his cup in one hand and a poptart in the other until they were ready to eat lunch. We went to Toot's and then to see Wall-E. I swear, I have NEVER been so bored in a movie in my entire life! LoL. But Madisyn wanted to see it, and Hagan actually sat there like a big boy and watched about half of it until he fell asleep. After we left the movie the kids, my parents and I hopped in the car and made our way to Gallitan to buy me a new car. Needless to say, my parents weren't happy with what the dealership was trying to sell us so everything fell through and I left with nothing. So our search continues as of tomorrow and hopefully by next weekend I'll be riding around in my BRAND NEW car. This is actually a big deal for me. The car will be in my name, making it my first real purchase and I am be-yoooond excited because I never would have thought that I would own the car I've dreamed of having since I was 16 at 21 years of age. For the first time, yesterday, my dad actually expressed how proud he was of me for always doing well in life. It meant a lot to hear him say that considering he's not the type to really "express" himself. On another note, have a bib handy when I post pics of my new vehicle because you will be drooling quite a bit, lol.