A Penny for Your Thoughts?

I am 22 years old doing what I do best: making lemonade out of the lemons life tends to hand you. I love being me, and what's odd about that, is I used to always think that if I changed a few of my superficial characteristics, that I would have better luck with men. I had an epihany sometime last year and realized that I had been in one bad relationship after the other. However, there was one thing each individual had in common: me. It was at that point that I decided it was time to work on myself before I did anything else. I started by making a point to eliminate all of the negativity in my life. Some things (and people) were removed without my assistance, and although at the time I couldn't make sense of it, after a while I began to acknowledge and appreciate the circumstances for what they were worth. The next thing I began to do was prey. Everyday. Every single day. I realized that everything is in God's will. He has your life planned no matter how you try to take control of a situation. I began thanking Him more often for the things I have rather than questioning him why I'm without. When I made that slight adjustment, I felt a sense of relief, as if He had removed all hurt and anger from my heart. Next, I began to speak my mind. I take a lot of pride in what kind of woman I am, and although simple minded individuals may look at my confidence as a threat, I see it as a quality. For a long time, I bit my tongue and held in how I felt in fear that speaking my mind would cause "that person" to walk away. I know, now, that any man who has a good grip on his manhood, will never feel threatened by an opinionated woman. However, I do recognize that there is a difference between being mouthy and opinionated, and fortunately, I know where and when to draw the line.


So many women seek approval from men, believing that a man's validation is what determines her self-worth. It's sad that some women allow a man to be so in control of their happiness, that the minute he walks away, her world comes crashing down right on top of her. I have a friend who went through the motions of an on again/off again relationship with a man for 2 1/2 years. He has now decided that this new woman is less complicated and "brings something to the table", so he has chosen to move on with his life and give this new relationship a try. Every day that I entertain my friend with conversation, she always manages to make the ENTIRE conversation about HIM. I am totally sensitive to the fact that she loved him, she gave him 2 1/2 years of her life, and she is now hurt because of the decision he made, but that is ultimately where she went wrong: she allowed HIM to make all of the decisions in and out of their relationship. He decided when they would see each other. He decided when they would be together. He decided when it was going to work. He even decided when they had sex. I sympathize deeply for this woman because she is incredibly lost and can't seem to let go and move on, but at the same time I am simply over it.

By no means do I feel I have it "together" when it comes to relationships. It's a process and I'm taking it one day at a time. I still find myself analyzing and overanalyzing things every single day. I actually had someone, whom I am very interested in, refer to me as his "future girlfriend" a few days ago. That was nice. I can't recall the last time I was on the same page with someone, and it's a really good feeling. When I first met this guy, he asked me why I was single. My answer: "I'm trying to work on a few things about myself before I get in another relationship". I found myself slipping back into my old ways last night when I didn't hear from him. Thinking, "Has he lost interest?" "Have I been initiating conversation too frequently, rather than letting him come to me??" "What if he met someone else?" While all of these things are possible, it is unlikely. So I began to read in order to take my mind off of it until I was ready to go to sleep. One thing that is important to understand about relationships, is understanding the opposite sex enough to keep from driving yourself crazy with ridiculous thoughts of why s/he did or didn't do something. Unfortunately, men don't view phone calls the same as women do, so skipping a day or two is no big deal for them. It used to be the hardest thing in the world for me to not talk to a guy a I liked every single day. I'd call a few times, text a few times, and even lose sleep over it tossing and turning all night trying to figure out what I did wrong. NOT anymore. There comes a point in some people's lives where they stop living in fear of rejection. Sure, nobody wants to feel unwanted, but it's part of life, and NOBODY gets everything they want in life. Every now and then, you have to let things go the way God intends for them to go. The minute you lose faith in Him and His will, that is when you lose, period.

Keep an open mind, an open heart, but most importantly, open eyes.

Love No Limit

Beyonce & Jay-Z. Will & Jada. Michelle and Barack. Those are couples that come to mind when you think of black love, or power couples. I always wonder how they do it. They have a foundation that is so strong, only the power of God can break it. Their realtionships are so admirable and so real, I often wonder what it takes to not only keep it going, but to create it. When you meet the person whom you ultimately have a healthy and lasting relationship with, do you know it right away? Or does it take time? I seem to always have an inkling when it's not going to work out with someone, but when I actually want to create and establish a relationship, I get so confused about which direction I should go in or if I should simply stand still. They say go by what a man does, not by what he says, but shouldn't it be both? Men have always provided the unpredictability some relationships need in order to sustain excitement. At the same time, that unpredictability is the very thing that causes a woman to question their relationship, which has now become her relationship. I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine last night. This guy is very shallow, egotistical and self-absorbed. I tried to date him at one point, but being that we are both stuck in our ways, it didn't work. However, we talk and remain close friends. To begin with, he has a complex about women and their obligation to "please their man". I will never forget the first time he actually tried to use that line on me. I asked him if he was my man, and of course, his response was, "No, but--", and that's when I cut him off. I asked him why, if he's not my man, should I feel in any way obligated to please him, when he refuses to meet the minimum of my needs due to his pea-brained anaology that unless he's getting something out of it, then there's no reason he should do what I ask of him. The thing about this guy, is that he refuses to put any effort into his "relationships" because when he does, he realizes that it is no longer about him. When I attempted to make a point about him not being my man, therefore leaving me no obligation to satisfy him, he then wanted to throw in the "M" word: monogamy. I was quite shocked that he actually knew what the word entailed. If you knew the kind of person he was, you'd think when he heard the word "monogamy" he'd mistake it for a type of wood, rather than a form of committment. He stated that he was in a "monogamous" relationship with me, and because he was making the effort to stick with one woman, (in not so many words) I should fulfill his sexual needs, due to his reassurance that he isn't going anywhere.

Let's take a side note for a second. First off, I want to know where the hell men get off thinking that because for once in their life they aren't going around sticking their penises in any and everything that has a warm hole, that we should reward them for it. I asked him was he trying this "monogamy" thing out for me/us or for himself. His response: "I mean, it's for myself." Ooooooookay buddy, so why should I feel obligated to turn over, spread my legs or open my mouth (whichever you may be in the mood for) when you blatantly tell me that your new-found outlook on relationships has NOTHING to do with me or us?? Why is it always about the incentives? What about the sense of value you gain? Or the fact that for once you are getting to know someone through their mind, their spirit, their conversation? One thing I refuse to do, is succumb to the sexual and egotistical needs & wants of a man who's only concern is what he can benefit from the little bit he decides to give, rather than what can he do to make OUR relationship (in and out of the bedroom) better.

Now back to my friend. During our conversation last night, I brought up a very interesting television show called "Black Men Revealved". The show consists of the host and 4 other African American men who discuss certain issues that plague relationships between them and their companion(s). One episode in particular discussed why men cheat. Some of them had very legitimate reasons behind their infidelity. Others were just plain stupid. When my friend and I began talking about some of the contents of the show, he proved to be "just plain stupid". Unfortunately, he is so incredibly narrow-minded that he can't see past the sexual aspect of a relationship. In his mind, sex is really what it boils down to. Although I have had my share of dogs, I do believe that there are men out there who are capable of getting to know a woman on a much deeper level that doesn't involve the walls of her vagina. I have to be careful about the amount of information I give too soon in a new relationship, but I must admit, I truely believe I have finally found someone who I have a spiritual and intellectual connection with. My biggest turn-ons in a man are the ability to hold an intelligent conversation, someone who is educated, and knows his into a woman's mind. Men give me compliments all the time about the way I look, but for the first time, the other day, I had someone tell me that it is "refreshing" to meet someone who can hold a conversation. It may sound simple to most people, but it is very rare that I am lucky enough to run into someone who actually cares about and listens to what I have to say. I don't want to be presumptuous, but so far I'm feeling extremely blessed.

I used to blog about love and relationships when I was down and out about not having one to call my own. I recently discovered that I am finally happy being me. I'm alone, but I'm never lonely, and there's a difference. The best relationship I will ever have, is the one I have with myself, and unfortunately, for many many years, it was the main one I neglected and never appreciated. I often sit back and wonder where the hell my head was for so long. How could I really expect a man to love or even like me for my mind and my spirit, when I didn't even acknowledge that those attributes are important. I'm very thankful to God for shedding light on a lot of things I was too blind to see. I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth because I finally recognize and know the value of it. I hope all of the changes I have made, and will continue to make, only prevoke growth and strength as a woman, a companion, a lover, a friend, an employee, but most importantly, as a person.