How Ya Gonna Fix It...?

I used to think being beautiful or fitting a certain "prototype" meant something. Back when I had this frame of mind, I'm pretty sure it did. Most teenagers have no idea what it takes to see beyond the physical aspects of a person, unless they were sincerely taught from an early age that how a person acts and treats you is what matters. I worked hard, last year, to lose weight and work on my image in hopes that the amount of confidence I gained would make getting a man much easier. Yes, I began to gain confidence, dress sexier and, ultimately, get more attention. I loved it. I felt better than I had in a long time. But as quickly as I absorbed all of this new found confidence and attention, the initial excitement died just as fast. Bottom line: I want a boyfriend! There...I said it. My standards and expectations may be a little high and somewhat unrealistic according to some people, but when you aim high, you're likely to get what you really want. I'm sitting here for the 3rd weekend in a row with nothing to do. I often relish being single because I'm stress and drama free, but truth be told, I'd like to have something and someone to look forward to when I'm not studying or out being carefree with my girls. Not to say that a boyfriend would be my "back up plan", so to speak, but something to keep my life fun and exciting, even on nights when we just sit around watching old episodes of Martin or renting movies from the $1.99 section at Hastings.

I picked up Steve Harvey's new book today, "Act Like a Lady...Think Like a Man" and have already almost finished it. The book provided a sense of empowerment, and made me realize (more so than ever) that it's okay to have requirements and express them if what you want and expect out of a man is more than he's brought to the table thus far. With that being said, I made the decision to let the most recent man in my life know that when he was ready for what I have to offer, he knew where and how to find me. I don't know where things went wrong between us, but somewhere along the line, our signals got crossed and went awire. I went left, he went right. Then again, maybe we were never really headed in the same direction. Either way, I can't keep hanging on and waiting for something and someone to tell me something. It's much easier and less painful to make that decision on my own...as hard as it is. I sat back thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why this man up and decided he wanted to "act funny". Maybe he's testing me. Maybe he has a 3 month "rule". Maybe he's SUPER busy. Maybe not. No matter what rules a person creates, no matter how busy they are, no matter how long they may try and succeed at putting a time limit on some(one)thing, one thing is for certain: when they like you, really like you, they will NEVER be candid or coy about letting you know. Okay, so men don't think and/or function the same way women do in and out of relationships, that's fine! However, it leaves no room to ignore or justify when he's just plain tired of you and makes no bones about hiding it.

I guess what disappoints me soooo much is the fact that for the first time in my life, I felt something, instead of trying to create it. When I met this man, I could have sworn God was talking to me. The feeling was unlike anything I've experienced, and it was more intense than I can put into words. Without me even thinking about it, my HEART told me, "that is your husband". I didn't want to believe it, and I even indirectly prayed to God to show me that this man was NOT meant for me. The Lord giveth, and He taketh away. Amen. So what did He do? He answered my prayer, even though the minute I realized what was happening I begged for mercy and just wanted him back. Maybe one day... But when the Lord blesses you with someone or something you've prayed long and hard about, and rather than praising and thanking Him for His blessing(s), He has no problem removing it/them from your life. I feel like I cheated myself out of a good thing this time, and it's quite disheartening.

If, God willing, I get a second chance, I will definitely know what to do with it.