A Penny for Your Thoughts?

I am 22 years old doing what I do best: making lemonade out of the lemons life tends to hand you. I love being me, and what's odd about that, is I used to always think that if I changed a few of my superficial characteristics, that I would have better luck with men. I had an epihany sometime last year and realized that I had been in one bad relationship after the other. However, there was one thing each individual had in common: me. It was at that point that I decided it was time to work on myself before I did anything else. I started by making a point to eliminate all of the negativity in my life. Some things (and people) were removed without my assistance, and although at the time I couldn't make sense of it, after a while I began to acknowledge and appreciate the circumstances for what they were worth. The next thing I began to do was prey. Everyday. Every single day. I realized that everything is in God's will. He has your life planned no matter how you try to take control of a situation. I began thanking Him more often for the things I have rather than questioning him why I'm without. When I made that slight adjustment, I felt a sense of relief, as if He had removed all hurt and anger from my heart. Next, I began to speak my mind. I take a lot of pride in what kind of woman I am, and although simple minded individuals may look at my confidence as a threat, I see it as a quality. For a long time, I bit my tongue and held in how I felt in fear that speaking my mind would cause "that person" to walk away. I know, now, that any man who has a good grip on his manhood, will never feel threatened by an opinionated woman. However, I do recognize that there is a difference between being mouthy and opinionated, and fortunately, I know where and when to draw the line.


So many women seek approval from men, believing that a man's validation is what determines her self-worth. It's sad that some women allow a man to be so in control of their happiness, that the minute he walks away, her world comes crashing down right on top of her. I have a friend who went through the motions of an on again/off again relationship with a man for 2 1/2 years. He has now decided that this new woman is less complicated and "brings something to the table", so he has chosen to move on with his life and give this new relationship a try. Every day that I entertain my friend with conversation, she always manages to make the ENTIRE conversation about HIM. I am totally sensitive to the fact that she loved him, she gave him 2 1/2 years of her life, and she is now hurt because of the decision he made, but that is ultimately where she went wrong: she allowed HIM to make all of the decisions in and out of their relationship. He decided when they would see each other. He decided when they would be together. He decided when it was going to work. He even decided when they had sex. I sympathize deeply for this woman because she is incredibly lost and can't seem to let go and move on, but at the same time I am simply over it.

By no means do I feel I have it "together" when it comes to relationships. It's a process and I'm taking it one day at a time. I still find myself analyzing and overanalyzing things every single day. I actually had someone, whom I am very interested in, refer to me as his "future girlfriend" a few days ago. That was nice. I can't recall the last time I was on the same page with someone, and it's a really good feeling. When I first met this guy, he asked me why I was single. My answer: "I'm trying to work on a few things about myself before I get in another relationship". I found myself slipping back into my old ways last night when I didn't hear from him. Thinking, "Has he lost interest?" "Have I been initiating conversation too frequently, rather than letting him come to me??" "What if he met someone else?" While all of these things are possible, it is unlikely. So I began to read in order to take my mind off of it until I was ready to go to sleep. One thing that is important to understand about relationships, is understanding the opposite sex enough to keep from driving yourself crazy with ridiculous thoughts of why s/he did or didn't do something. Unfortunately, men don't view phone calls the same as women do, so skipping a day or two is no big deal for them. It used to be the hardest thing in the world for me to not talk to a guy a I liked every single day. I'd call a few times, text a few times, and even lose sleep over it tossing and turning all night trying to figure out what I did wrong. NOT anymore. There comes a point in some people's lives where they stop living in fear of rejection. Sure, nobody wants to feel unwanted, but it's part of life, and NOBODY gets everything they want in life. Every now and then, you have to let things go the way God intends for them to go. The minute you lose faith in Him and His will, that is when you lose, period.

Keep an open mind, an open heart, but most importantly, open eyes.

Love No Limit

Beyonce & Jay-Z. Will & Jada. Michelle and Barack. Those are couples that come to mind when you think of black love, or power couples. I always wonder how they do it. They have a foundation that is so strong, only the power of God can break it. Their realtionships are so admirable and so real, I often wonder what it takes to not only keep it going, but to create it. When you meet the person whom you ultimately have a healthy and lasting relationship with, do you know it right away? Or does it take time? I seem to always have an inkling when it's not going to work out with someone, but when I actually want to create and establish a relationship, I get so confused about which direction I should go in or if I should simply stand still. They say go by what a man does, not by what he says, but shouldn't it be both? Men have always provided the unpredictability some relationships need in order to sustain excitement. At the same time, that unpredictability is the very thing that causes a woman to question their relationship, which has now become her relationship. I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine last night. This guy is very shallow, egotistical and self-absorbed. I tried to date him at one point, but being that we are both stuck in our ways, it didn't work. However, we talk and remain close friends. To begin with, he has a complex about women and their obligation to "please their man". I will never forget the first time he actually tried to use that line on me. I asked him if he was my man, and of course, his response was, "No, but--", and that's when I cut him off. I asked him why, if he's not my man, should I feel in any way obligated to please him, when he refuses to meet the minimum of my needs due to his pea-brained anaology that unless he's getting something out of it, then there's no reason he should do what I ask of him. The thing about this guy, is that he refuses to put any effort into his "relationships" because when he does, he realizes that it is no longer about him. When I attempted to make a point about him not being my man, therefore leaving me no obligation to satisfy him, he then wanted to throw in the "M" word: monogamy. I was quite shocked that he actually knew what the word entailed. If you knew the kind of person he was, you'd think when he heard the word "monogamy" he'd mistake it for a type of wood, rather than a form of committment. He stated that he was in a "monogamous" relationship with me, and because he was making the effort to stick with one woman, (in not so many words) I should fulfill his sexual needs, due to his reassurance that he isn't going anywhere.

Let's take a side note for a second. First off, I want to know where the hell men get off thinking that because for once in their life they aren't going around sticking their penises in any and everything that has a warm hole, that we should reward them for it. I asked him was he trying this "monogamy" thing out for me/us or for himself. His response: "I mean, it's for myself." Ooooooookay buddy, so why should I feel obligated to turn over, spread my legs or open my mouth (whichever you may be in the mood for) when you blatantly tell me that your new-found outlook on relationships has NOTHING to do with me or us?? Why is it always about the incentives? What about the sense of value you gain? Or the fact that for once you are getting to know someone through their mind, their spirit, their conversation? One thing I refuse to do, is succumb to the sexual and egotistical needs & wants of a man who's only concern is what he can benefit from the little bit he decides to give, rather than what can he do to make OUR relationship (in and out of the bedroom) better.

Now back to my friend. During our conversation last night, I brought up a very interesting television show called "Black Men Revealved". The show consists of the host and 4 other African American men who discuss certain issues that plague relationships between them and their companion(s). One episode in particular discussed why men cheat. Some of them had very legitimate reasons behind their infidelity. Others were just plain stupid. When my friend and I began talking about some of the contents of the show, he proved to be "just plain stupid". Unfortunately, he is so incredibly narrow-minded that he can't see past the sexual aspect of a relationship. In his mind, sex is really what it boils down to. Although I have had my share of dogs, I do believe that there are men out there who are capable of getting to know a woman on a much deeper level that doesn't involve the walls of her vagina. I have to be careful about the amount of information I give too soon in a new relationship, but I must admit, I truely believe I have finally found someone who I have a spiritual and intellectual connection with. My biggest turn-ons in a man are the ability to hold an intelligent conversation, someone who is educated, and knows his into a woman's mind. Men give me compliments all the time about the way I look, but for the first time, the other day, I had someone tell me that it is "refreshing" to meet someone who can hold a conversation. It may sound simple to most people, but it is very rare that I am lucky enough to run into someone who actually cares about and listens to what I have to say. I don't want to be presumptuous, but so far I'm feeling extremely blessed.

I used to blog about love and relationships when I was down and out about not having one to call my own. I recently discovered that I am finally happy being me. I'm alone, but I'm never lonely, and there's a difference. The best relationship I will ever have, is the one I have with myself, and unfortunately, for many many years, it was the main one I neglected and never appreciated. I often sit back and wonder where the hell my head was for so long. How could I really expect a man to love or even like me for my mind and my spirit, when I didn't even acknowledge that those attributes are important. I'm very thankful to God for shedding light on a lot of things I was too blind to see. I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth because I finally recognize and know the value of it. I hope all of the changes I have made, and will continue to make, only prevoke growth and strength as a woman, a companion, a lover, a friend, an employee, but most importantly, as a person.

New Year, New Attitude

2008 was the year I attempted to conquer the one thing that plagues so many young, single women: men. There was the possessive-insecure-psycho, the alcoholic, the married guy, the in-between, the loose cannon and the flake. All of which have proven to be nothing more than a waste of my time. It is said that all women must kiss a toad or two in order to find her prince charming, but what happens when you kiss your prince charming and he turns out to be a toad? We as women spend more time picking out a pair of shoes that we may only wear a few times, than we do the men in our lives. Oddly enough, if there is one little thing wrong with the shoe, we put it back and move on to another store in hopes of finding the perfect footwear. When it comes to men, however, we see 99 things wrong with him, but choose to overlook them in hopes to either change him or avoid being single. So what's worse? No shoes, or no man? As a 20 year old, I relied on the advice from magazines such as Cosmopolitan in order to figure men out and try a few sex or kissing tricks that would "make a man fall in love". As a 22 year old, Cosmopolitan is simply an alcoholic beverage that looks better than it tastes. In life, we are always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous; why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero? There are times when a woman relishes being alone. There are the other times when we are so hungry for a spark that we fall into a dating mirage and hallucinate a man. Society tells us that women are not allowed to have it all: a wildly successful career and a relationship, and we must choose between one or the other. However, some of us are capable of having both due to our ability to accept that having it all requires us to not expect things to look like more than they actually are.

People say everything happens for a reason. These people are usually women, and these women are usually sorting through a break up. It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a good-bye, but apparently women must either get married or learn something. Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius? Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain? I once saw an episode of Sex & The City where Carrie got dumped via post-it note. Later that evening she and her friends were out and she coincidentally ran into one of her ex-boyfriend's friends. He introduced her to the group of friends he was with as "Jack's girlfriend". Carrie was then forced to explain that she and Jack were no longer together. His reaction was nothing short of a typical one coming from a man. She informs him of the cowardly way she was dumped and once again, no reaction. Out of a sheer emotional reflex, she blurts out that not only did they have problems, but he was bad in bed! In order to spare going down the lowest road possible, she walks back over to him and admits that what she said was only due to the humiliation and hurt she was subjected to via post-it. Every pussy-ass man in America uses the same excuse that they were "just afraid" because women have a tendency to get angry and not take break-ups that well. So while you pathetic excuse for men are out there thinking that there is no real way to break up with a woman, guess what? There is! You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman (to her face) that you no longer want to see her. Call me crazy, but I think that you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include an email, a text message or a Dear John letter. I think that you all can get over your fear of "looking like the bad guy" and actually have the uncomfortable break up conversation because avoiding that will make you look like the bad guy! And for the record, most women aren't angry, irrational psychos. We just want an ending to a relationship that is thoughtful and decent and utters what we had together. So my point is, there is a good way to break up with someone and it doesn't include a post-it!
Moral of the story: don't go to bed angry (this is the result).

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or even a heart, you look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there isn't always someone there to catch you. In life there aren't any safety nets, so when did it stop being fun and start being scary? I've decided that it's time to leave fear behind, and have some fun. HEL-LOOOO 2009!

Cheating Only Causes You To Cheat Yourself

Since age 14 I have been incredibly entertained by the show "Cheaters". The fact that there are people who actually muscle up the courage to commit acts of infidelity and show no remorse for cheating but are instead upset that there are cameras in their faces cracks me up. The first question out of their lying ass mouths is always, "You couldn't just come to me and talk to me?? You had to go and get all these cameras to follow me??" Never mind the hurt and humiliation they have inflicted on their so-called loved ones by being sneaky and dishonest, they've got cameras in their faces! So why do men cheat? Is it lack of communication? Intimacy issues? Or perhaps the excitement that they once felt for their significant other has lost it's flame. Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls--because they can. Simply put (but not justified) it's part of their biology. Ladies, instead wasting all of our energy condemning it, maybe we should all get in line and face reality of the situation...right? Although this sounds very empowering, there's one important detail that seems to be forgotten here: women cheat as well! Some may view women cheating as being completely different from a man cheating for the simple fact that most women don't go around randomly attacking every man she is attracted to. Unlike men, we're not driven by testosterone. So what does drive women one might ask? Emotions. Somewhere inside a majority of us there's a little voice screaming "Made for life! Made for life!" The problem is, different people have different definitions of what constitutes cheating. Some don't tolerate it, others are a bit more forgiving--maybe even more "realistic" about human nature. Granted these individuals are the ones who are more likely to cheat. I, however don't think that cheating can be defined in absolute terms. Do I think it's okay to cheat? No. But I do believe that there is a "cheating curve" specifically if some one's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat. Call it moral relativism if you'd like, I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating. :) In another aspect the act of cheating can be defined by the act of getting caught--one doesn't exist without the other. It is then that cheating becomes somewhat like the proverbial tree in the forest: It doesn't exist if no one is around to catch you. In order to avoid any confusion on how far you are or are not allowed to go when cheating becomes an issue, simply avoid making new friends of the opposite sex. Your significant other should be your main source of satisfaction which is why the two of you established the title of being in a relationship in the first place. Don't put yourself in a predicament that could ultimately cause you to get cheated out of a good thing because you chose to cheat.

At what point do we begin to let go of the false sense of hope that someone actually has real potential to become our significant other? I suppose everyone, at some point or another, feels that they would cheat themselves out of a good thing once they give up if they don't see enough progress in a certain amount of time. But is it really worth the hurt and humiliation to continue holding onto to something that may never be? Sometimes, I suppose we get the short end of the stick regardless. We hang in there praying that he/she will come to their senses and realize what they have in front of them only to find out that they knew the entire time that they had no real intentions of pursuing anything more than a physical or platonic relationship. On the other hand, those of us who are strong enough to leave (before we are left) look back feeling incredibly foolish to have ever allowed someone to take up that much of the time we could have spent A). Soul searching, B). With someone else, or C). By our damn selves! Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right? It amazes me how arrogant and childish some people are. The ones who lack any real substance are the main ones walking around as if they are soooo unattainable when, truth be told, they are the ones with the most baggage. Raise your hand if you want an insecure, flakey-ass, overly sensitive, bullshittin' muuhfucka who runs their mouth more than they can back it up? *Whomp Whooooommmmp!!!* And when are we going to discontinue using every "legitimate" excuse that we can come up with in order to keep from looking like the bad guy? Any real man or woman is going to appreciate the truth over a load of crap any day.

I have a friend who spent 2 whole years of her life waiting on a man whom she loved more than (I believe) she loved herself. I was pretty surprised when he finally came around and decided to make things official, but I wasn't surprised when he allowed one small arguement to determine the status of their relationship. Do I think this man ever really loved this woman? Actually, yes I do. Do I believe he loved her as much if not more than he loved himself? Absolutely not. Granted I only know one side of the story, but the fact that he took 2 years cosummate a "title" leaves me to believe that once the Tom & Jerry phase was over, so was the whole point of stringing her along. I am a firm believer that people get satisfaction out of making others look pathetic and desperate by filling their heads with lies and empty promises. I know, I know...people only go as far as others allow them. But what if they were truely oblivious to what was going on around them. I'm amazed at the amount of people I know personally who could win Academy Awards for their acting skills, lol. It's just really sad that the main people who complain about not being able to find "the right person" are the ones who are in dire need of some serious self-evaluation. Unfortunately you can't change people. As much as we would love to slap some sense into those who ignorantly pass the blame onto this person, that person, and her and her and him too the only two options we have are: 1). Pray for them. 2). Remove them from our lives.

My outlook on several things has significantly changed over the last 8 months or so. I have definitely learned to appreciate things for what they are really worth (including myself) and my ability to see through the lies and bullshit has increased by 100%. I'm also proud of the fact that I have now become so secure with myself that rather than settling for something that's "good enough" I aim for things that excite me more and more each day. I'm only 22 and by no means do I have everything figured out. I continue to make mistakes just like any other human being, but the difference between the old and new ME is that my head is no longer in the clouds. I take disappointment like a grain of salt and I'm liable to let a nigga know with no hesitation. I feel blessed to have the ability to let go and move on with my life without allowing hurtful situations dictate my sense of happiness. So here's to the ones who have lied, cheated, manipulated, used & abused; those of us who were brave enough to walk away and strong enough to stay away we owe you...NOTHING! *middle finger*

Barack Obama 2008

Last night was an emtional one on so many levels. I remember being 17 and in my junior year of high school, taking a U.S. History class. I will never forget asking the teacher if he thought that we would ever have a black president. As soon as the question came out of my mouth, he responded with a quick and casual, "No." He then stated that if we ever did, it would not be while he or I were alive. It is by far the greatest feeling my heart has ever known to prove him wrong. Not for the sake of proving him wrong, but because last night we achieved what most thought was the impossible. No one of other ethnicities or races will ever be able to understand what a monumental and historic event Nov. 4, 2008 is and always will be. I took Obama's winning as a personal triumph. I, fortunately, never had to endure the things so many of our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and ancestors have gone through in order to get to where we are today, but I most definitely sympathize and take any and everything that has happened to my fellow African American people to heart. To hear the words, "Our new President-Elect of the United States is Barack Obama" was so surreal. I was overwhelmed with emotions and found myself almost in tears to know that the steps our slave ancestors built that lead up to the White House are now the very ones an African American man will be standing at the top of. I have never been more proud in my entire life to be African American. More than the issue of race, I truely believe that this man will bring our country back to state of well being. Things are going to take time and it always gets worse before it gets better, but I know, in my heart, that over the next 4 years we will most definitely see great improvements. A lot of people doubt that this man is capable of staying true to the promises he's made, but what's important is that more people know that he will make necessary changes to our economy. The next 4 years are going to change our lives. Get ready!

MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!

Cruise Control

I often write and speak a lot about relationships. This is mainly due to the fact that I am so horrible at them, although I'm beginning to get better each time a new man enters my life. So what exactly defines a relationship? I know people who met, began talking, went out on a few dates and before long, they've spent so much time together that it's understood that they are now a couple. I can't recall a time this has ever been the case for me. I dated one guy for about 6 months and as long as everything was good between us, I was his "girl", but as soon as things went bad I "wasn't his girl". This wasn't really his way of breaking up with me, but more of a way to control the situation so that he could constantly manipulate me and the extent of our "relationship". Because of this incredibly unhealthy situation I have gained a completely different way of thinking upon meeting someone new. I have learned to go with my first instinct and trust the signs that are clear and evident. I will be the first to admit that I have always been somewhat--okay VERY impulsive and would jump straight to the physical aspect of a relationship before even getting a decent meal and/or movie. Nowadays, I'm honestly a little afraid of intimacy. Something as simple as a kiss can create a window of possibilities of more physical things happening which opens the door to a plethora of emotions and feelings that can ultimately lead to a 50/50 chance of either heart break or commitment.

What happens when you meet an individual who is so scorned from their previous relationship that they almost have no way of committing to a simple conversation over drinks? I've had to learn (the hard way) that when someone is still licking their wounds, it's in your best interest and theirs to just be friends. I've had one man in particular tell me at least once in every conversation we've had that he's "not ready/looking for a relationship". The last time I checked, a relationship was not a factor in our process of getting to know one another. So I asked him, "Are you trying to convince me...or yourself that you're not looking/ready for a relationship?" And what was his answer? ".........". Yes, complete silence. Let me be the first to say that this man fits the bill of what I would consider "my type". He works, he has great conversation, he's good looking and has something to offer any individual who is lucky enough to be with him. With all of these characteristics rolled into one person, the potential to be with him (in more ways than one) definitely crosses my mind. But there's no rush. I know through experience that although time waits for nothing and nobody, it tells all.

Sometimes it's not enough to tell someone that what you say is true. Certain individuals rely solely on actions because it is for sure that they speak louder than words. However, in order to know whether or not that person is being genuine or telling you what they think you want to hear or acting out what they believe you want to see, you have to open up and allow them to showcase their sincerity one way or another.