A Penny for Your Thoughts?

I am 22 years old doing what I do best: making lemonade out of the lemons life tends to hand you. I love being me, and what's odd about that, is I used to always think that if I changed a few of my superficial characteristics, that I would have better luck with men. I had an epihany sometime last year and realized that I had been in one bad relationship after the other. However, there was one thing each individual had in common: me. It was at that point that I decided it was time to work on myself before I did anything else. I started by making a point to eliminate all of the negativity in my life. Some things (and people) were removed without my assistance, and although at the time I couldn't make sense of it, after a while I began to acknowledge and appreciate the circumstances for what they were worth. The next thing I began to do was prey. Everyday. Every single day. I realized that everything is in God's will. He has your life planned no matter how you try to take control of a situation. I began thanking Him more often for the things I have rather than questioning him why I'm without. When I made that slight adjustment, I felt a sense of relief, as if He had removed all hurt and anger from my heart. Next, I began to speak my mind. I take a lot of pride in what kind of woman I am, and although simple minded individuals may look at my confidence as a threat, I see it as a quality. For a long time, I bit my tongue and held in how I felt in fear that speaking my mind would cause "that person" to walk away. I know, now, that any man who has a good grip on his manhood, will never feel threatened by an opinionated woman. However, I do recognize that there is a difference between being mouthy and opinionated, and fortunately, I know where and when to draw the line.


So many women seek approval from men, believing that a man's validation is what determines her self-worth. It's sad that some women allow a man to be so in control of their happiness, that the minute he walks away, her world comes crashing down right on top of her. I have a friend who went through the motions of an on again/off again relationship with a man for 2 1/2 years. He has now decided that this new woman is less complicated and "brings something to the table", so he has chosen to move on with his life and give this new relationship a try. Every day that I entertain my friend with conversation, she always manages to make the ENTIRE conversation about HIM. I am totally sensitive to the fact that she loved him, she gave him 2 1/2 years of her life, and she is now hurt because of the decision he made, but that is ultimately where she went wrong: she allowed HIM to make all of the decisions in and out of their relationship. He decided when they would see each other. He decided when they would be together. He decided when it was going to work. He even decided when they had sex. I sympathize deeply for this woman because she is incredibly lost and can't seem to let go and move on, but at the same time I am simply over it.

By no means do I feel I have it "together" when it comes to relationships. It's a process and I'm taking it one day at a time. I still find myself analyzing and overanalyzing things every single day. I actually had someone, whom I am very interested in, refer to me as his "future girlfriend" a few days ago. That was nice. I can't recall the last time I was on the same page with someone, and it's a really good feeling. When I first met this guy, he asked me why I was single. My answer: "I'm trying to work on a few things about myself before I get in another relationship". I found myself slipping back into my old ways last night when I didn't hear from him. Thinking, "Has he lost interest?" "Have I been initiating conversation too frequently, rather than letting him come to me??" "What if he met someone else?" While all of these things are possible, it is unlikely. So I began to read in order to take my mind off of it until I was ready to go to sleep. One thing that is important to understand about relationships, is understanding the opposite sex enough to keep from driving yourself crazy with ridiculous thoughts of why s/he did or didn't do something. Unfortunately, men don't view phone calls the same as women do, so skipping a day or two is no big deal for them. It used to be the hardest thing in the world for me to not talk to a guy a I liked every single day. I'd call a few times, text a few times, and even lose sleep over it tossing and turning all night trying to figure out what I did wrong. NOT anymore. There comes a point in some people's lives where they stop living in fear of rejection. Sure, nobody wants to feel unwanted, but it's part of life, and NOBODY gets everything they want in life. Every now and then, you have to let things go the way God intends for them to go. The minute you lose faith in Him and His will, that is when you lose, period.

Keep an open mind, an open heart, but most importantly, open eyes.