I tried to copy & paste, but it wouldn't let me. So in the meantime: http://misswhitni.wordpress.com

A Heart Made of Marshmallows :-)

Sometimes I wonder where I get it from...

First off, let me say that you are awesome. There are so many qualities about you that I appreciate because it is rare that I am lucky enough to encounter a man of your stature. With that being said, it has not been easy to let you go. I don't know if it's me, or your schedule, or another woman, or a combination of all three, but as I told you in my last email, something caused this situation to become one-sided. I know that most people on the outside (possibly yourself included) would look at the time I've spent trying to communicate with you as a desperate attempt to gain even a mere ounce of reassurance that everything is okay. Truth be told, for once in my life, I didn't want to give up, and I still don't, but in my heart of hearts, I believe that you have. I'm probably making a fool of myself by being so uninhibited, but I'm willing to take a chance because at this point, there's no need to be candid about my feelings for you. For the record, I wanted to be with you more than I can say. I cannot tell you how much it made my day to get simple text messages from you letting me know you missed me, you were thinking about me, or simply asking me what and how I was doing. You became so important, so quickly and I hadn't been that happy in a long time.

I honestly wish that things could have worked out differently, but I know that circumstances occur and sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. I don't know your situation right now, but I'm always willing to listen if at any time you feel the need to explain it to me, or you simply want to talk. Meeting someone like you has made me not only raise my standards, but it's made me want to be a better woman. You make me want to be smarter and more worldly, and I have never met a man who inspired me so much by simply being himself. You're amazing, and I feel so lucky to have met you and experienced (for the first time in a long time) what it was like to go to bed and wake up happy knowing that I had something to look forward to. So...thank you for that. I'm here if you ever need someone.

Take care...

How do we know when our subconscious mind is God speaking to us, or if it's all of our thoughts and feelings being processed and portrayed through a dream?

I've been praying to God to show me something. Something that I can't find an answer to any other way. I had a dream last night that I feel answered my question, but I had gone over the possibility so much in my head, that I wonder if I caused myself to have that vision in my subconscious mind. I remember being with someone last year who was dishonest from day one. I knew something wasn't right about him, and within a few days of me having reservations, the Lord spoke to me and revealed all of this man's true layers. When I explained to him that I'd had this dream, he became defensive which further let me know that my dream was God's way of letting me know that everything I thought and felt was true.

I listen to everything someone tells me, especially when I care about him/her. However, I over-analyze things so much that as soon as I see glitch in something, I think the worst has happened or is yet to come. One characteristic I wish I obtained, is the ability to relax and go with the flow. I know that I'm over-bearing by any means, but I let every bad thought possible plague my, otherwise, rational sense of thinking, and before I know it, I've worked myself up! My mom's been telling me for a long time now that I need to see a doctor and get on medication for it, and I know that she's being facetious, but I wonder if I do need to seek some type of help that will allow me to take a step back and *breathe*. I'm 22 years old without a care in the world and should not let little things stress me out as much as they do. I guess that's what happens when you don't have any real problems, lol.

While I search for more answers, I think I will continue to pray and take these revelations for what they are worth. I just hope that when the time is right, all of my prayers are answered.

On The Brighter Side...

I woke up this morning feeling much better. I was no longer hurting, which is great, but it was definitely not expected. I don't want to grieve over another failed relationship, but with the way I went to bed feeling, I certainly did not expect to wake up feeling the total opposite. I'm not big on text messages or emails because I feel that they are just too impersonal, however, I sent *him* a text letting him know that even though I'm not sure why we haven't been talking, surely there's a legitimate reason for it. I also let him know that I miss him and hope to talk soon. I didn't know what was going to happen as far as a response, but when I did not receive one back, I didn't think much of it. I think I've done what I can to salvage what was obviously not mine to begin with. I've always thought that by "doing too much" you can scare a potential boyfriend/girlfriend off, but if the feelings are mutual, you can never do too much.

I've been on a mission the last couple of days to change my location. Needless to say, my mother is NOT happy with the idea of me moving, but I really feel like I need this. I got my letter in the mail for nursing school, and they "kind of" accepted me. They put me on a waiting list. So if someone drops out of the program, I could possibly be next in line for their spot. Someone, or several people, dropping, is likely to happen, as it always does in every nursing program, so...we shall see! In the meantime, I have been browsing the Internet looking for apartments as well as applying for jobs out of state, and hopefully by Jan. 2010, I will be OUTTA HERE!!! I love TN and I don't want to leave everyone, but I feel extremely confined to my surroundings. It's a scary thought, being all alone in another city, but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I'll NEVER do it. I'm expecting an info packet in the mail from a school that teaches nothing but nursing, and they start every quarter, so the odds of me getting in are very high.

I know that I'm young and have all the time in the world to establish myself and build a career as a health care professional, but I don't want to be 30 and still trying to "find myself". I realize that throughout life you are always searching for answers and questioning your purpose, but nursing is 100% where I want to be, and I want to walk into an office or hospital as a RN by the time I'm 25. After that, hopefully everything else will fall right into place. In the meantime, my summer and fall semester is set as far as school, and because I chose to take on a full load my first year back in college, I now have more time to WORK. Being broke is hard on your pride and your social life, especially when you've been able to do whatever you wanted with your money since you've been 16 years old. I plan on making a day out of going around to different offices next week, and I pray to God that by the end of May I'm working. I'd hate to go more than 6 months without any employment. Not only that, but the longer I work, the more money I can save for a deposit on my first apartment!

I'm in a much better mood today, despite the tears. Thank God...

Am I Wrong?

Is it wrong to ask God to give you another chance with someone? I hate to continue dwelling on a subject as shallow as a relationship, but I haven't felt this discouraged since I lost my boyfriend, DJ, at the tender age of 18. I remember it as vividly as the days it was taking place...

He and I met through a mutual "friend" when I was a 17 year old high school senior. He was instantly attracted to me, but being the superficial stuck up snob I was back then, I couldn't see past his raggedy tennis shoes and his lack of style. After several months of trying to get to know me, he'd finally had it with me ignoring him and let me have via text message. I felt bad because even though I didn't like the kid, I still had somewhat of a conscience and didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I made up the excuse that I was just oh-so-busy with school work and end of the semester papers, and it was nothing personal. My parents began going through some hard times in their relationship and one night my mom told me to just get out of the house for a little while. So I dressed myself up, called everybody I knew and was friends with, but only 2 people could and would make time for me: good ol' Yasmeyn, and DJ. It was at that point something in me clicked. He was there for me when hardly no one else was. So...I fell. I fell fast and hard.

4 months later, he decided that it was in his best interest to see if "with me is where he really wanted to be, or with her is where he belonged". I remember not hardly being able to do anything but cry. Cry, cry, cry. It was terrible. I'd be at work crying. I'd be at school crying. I'd be in the bed attempting to get some sleep crying. I was a mess! I never got over it, but I guess I didn't have to because a month later we were back together. I felt...complete again. Wow. 18 years old, feeling "complete" because a hormonal 19 year old boy chose her over his Wal-Mart co-worker. The crazy thing about that situation is, 2-3 years later, he moves to the same city she was from and ultimately moved back to, and they rekindled what I had apparently gotten in the way of. Unfortunately, she had not gotten over what he, along with other men in her past, had done to hurt her emotionally and she ended their relationship. She was stupid for that one. She gave up a good one :-/

As crazy, and even down right stupid as I feel for saying this, something, that voice, is telling me that it's not over. I'm probably riding a cloud made up of a plethora of false sense of hope, but truthfully it gives me a sense of relief and peace of mind. Another thing that makes me feel differently about this one, is the fact that I NEVER want to give relationships a chance. I don't have any fear of commitment and I don't get bored easily, I just don't see any point in continuing with someone who doesn't make me happy. I often look into the future with every single guy that I begin getting to know. If I can't see him being a permanent fixture in the equation whether it be because he's selfish, a liar, has a short temper or just trifling, I don't bother giving him a chance. But this one...he's special. I feel like a fool for being this head over heels for someone who for the past week has dropped off the face of the earth.

So really, is it wrong to pray to God to give you another chance with someone? Is that "too shallow"? We all need love, and after a year with no companionship, I honestly don't think it's too much to ask...

How Ya Gonna Fix It...?

I used to think being beautiful or fitting a certain "prototype" meant something. Back when I had this frame of mind, I'm pretty sure it did. Most teenagers have no idea what it takes to see beyond the physical aspects of a person, unless they were sincerely taught from an early age that how a person acts and treats you is what matters. I worked hard, last year, to lose weight and work on my image in hopes that the amount of confidence I gained would make getting a man much easier. Yes, I began to gain confidence, dress sexier and, ultimately, get more attention. I loved it. I felt better than I had in a long time. But as quickly as I absorbed all of this new found confidence and attention, the initial excitement died just as fast. Bottom line: I want a boyfriend! There...I said it. My standards and expectations may be a little high and somewhat unrealistic according to some people, but when you aim high, you're likely to get what you really want. I'm sitting here for the 3rd weekend in a row with nothing to do. I often relish being single because I'm stress and drama free, but truth be told, I'd like to have something and someone to look forward to when I'm not studying or out being carefree with my girls. Not to say that a boyfriend would be my "back up plan", so to speak, but something to keep my life fun and exciting, even on nights when we just sit around watching old episodes of Martin or renting movies from the $1.99 section at Hastings.

I picked up Steve Harvey's new book today, "Act Like a Lady...Think Like a Man" and have already almost finished it. The book provided a sense of empowerment, and made me realize (more so than ever) that it's okay to have requirements and express them if what you want and expect out of a man is more than he's brought to the table thus far. With that being said, I made the decision to let the most recent man in my life know that when he was ready for what I have to offer, he knew where and how to find me. I don't know where things went wrong between us, but somewhere along the line, our signals got crossed and went awire. I went left, he went right. Then again, maybe we were never really headed in the same direction. Either way, I can't keep hanging on and waiting for something and someone to tell me something. It's much easier and less painful to make that decision on my own...as hard as it is. I sat back thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why this man up and decided he wanted to "act funny". Maybe he's testing me. Maybe he has a 3 month "rule". Maybe he's SUPER busy. Maybe not. No matter what rules a person creates, no matter how busy they are, no matter how long they may try and succeed at putting a time limit on some(one)thing, one thing is for certain: when they like you, really like you, they will NEVER be candid or coy about letting you know. Okay, so men don't think and/or function the same way women do in and out of relationships, that's fine! However, it leaves no room to ignore or justify when he's just plain tired of you and makes no bones about hiding it.

I guess what disappoints me soooo much is the fact that for the first time in my life, I felt something, instead of trying to create it. When I met this man, I could have sworn God was talking to me. The feeling was unlike anything I've experienced, and it was more intense than I can put into words. Without me even thinking about it, my HEART told me, "that is your husband". I didn't want to believe it, and I even indirectly prayed to God to show me that this man was NOT meant for me. The Lord giveth, and He taketh away. Amen. So what did He do? He answered my prayer, even though the minute I realized what was happening I begged for mercy and just wanted him back. Maybe one day... But when the Lord blesses you with someone or something you've prayed long and hard about, and rather than praising and thanking Him for His blessing(s), He has no problem removing it/them from your life. I feel like I cheated myself out of a good thing this time, and it's quite disheartening.

If, God willing, I get a second chance, I will definitely know what to do with it.

Torn.

I normally would not post something like this, but being that the situation has left me feeling a bit defeated, I have to get it off my chest.

I met someone nearly 2 months ago and the chemistry was undeniable. As we began talking and getting to know each other, I realized that this may be the man for me. He was smart, well spoken, accomplished and still continued to strive for more. I've had my share of men throughout the years, and while they were all very different from one another, they all had one thing in common: their heads were never screwed on right. I became so enraptured with the thought of what was yet to come with this man, and the idea of he and I being together, that I did the one thing I swore I wouldn't: I told everybody. It's funny how a person (women especially) can create a situation in their mind without giving it time to evolve. We'd made plans to see each other during the weekend he came to town, and I could not wait. I had the perfect outfit picked out, got my Hollywood weave put in, a fly color painted on my nails and toes, and was READY. He'd told me the day before he was supposed to come out, that he was going to try to make it Saturday due to some last minute changes with his friends. Being the understanding person I am, I said okay and went on about my day. Saturday rolled around and I heard nothing from him. Nothing. Needless to say, I was very disappointed and pretty humiliated that I'd told everybody who would listen about "my" man coming to visit me.

I've been trying to work on changing a lot of things about myself. I'm trying to be strong, and know when to let go when the situation calls for it. I'm a confrontational person when the situation deems it necessary, and I'm not candid about speaking my mind. However, I never want to appear to be a nag or the type of woman who complains all the time, so I pick my battles. For the first time in years, I sent this man an email letting him know how I felt. I chose my words wisely and felt that after he read it, the ball would now be in his court. He responded a few days later letting me know that I'm not alone in this. I still don't know what that means, but one thing's for sure, I can't keep dwelling on it.

I can decide between my heart and my head if what I'm feeling is God talking to me, or a false sense of hope that I'm holding onto because I want this man to be "the one". I'm not even sure if I believe in "the one" because it's so cliche. I think I would have been able to deal with this a lot better had I not told so many people about this man. I never even gave him or our relationship a chance to go anywhere before I started referring to him as "my man". I know better from this point on, and hopefully if the Lord is willing, I'll get a chance to learn from my impulsive mistakes.