Cheating Only Causes You To Cheat Yourself

Since age 14 I have been incredibly entertained by the show "Cheaters". The fact that there are people who actually muscle up the courage to commit acts of infidelity and show no remorse for cheating but are instead upset that there are cameras in their faces cracks me up. The first question out of their lying ass mouths is always, "You couldn't just come to me and talk to me?? You had to go and get all these cameras to follow me??" Never mind the hurt and humiliation they have inflicted on their so-called loved ones by being sneaky and dishonest, they've got cameras in their faces! So why do men cheat? Is it lack of communication? Intimacy issues? Or perhaps the excitement that they once felt for their significant other has lost it's flame. Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls--because they can. Simply put (but not justified) it's part of their biology. Ladies, instead wasting all of our energy condemning it, maybe we should all get in line and face reality of the situation...right? Although this sounds very empowering, there's one important detail that seems to be forgotten here: women cheat as well! Some may view women cheating as being completely different from a man cheating for the simple fact that most women don't go around randomly attacking every man she is attracted to. Unlike men, we're not driven by testosterone. So what does drive women one might ask? Emotions. Somewhere inside a majority of us there's a little voice screaming "Made for life! Made for life!" The problem is, different people have different definitions of what constitutes cheating. Some don't tolerate it, others are a bit more forgiving--maybe even more "realistic" about human nature. Granted these individuals are the ones who are more likely to cheat. I, however don't think that cheating can be defined in absolute terms. Do I think it's okay to cheat? No. But I do believe that there is a "cheating curve" specifically if some one's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat. Call it moral relativism if you'd like, I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating. :) In another aspect the act of cheating can be defined by the act of getting caught--one doesn't exist without the other. It is then that cheating becomes somewhat like the proverbial tree in the forest: It doesn't exist if no one is around to catch you. In order to avoid any confusion on how far you are or are not allowed to go when cheating becomes an issue, simply avoid making new friends of the opposite sex. Your significant other should be your main source of satisfaction which is why the two of you established the title of being in a relationship in the first place. Don't put yourself in a predicament that could ultimately cause you to get cheated out of a good thing because you chose to cheat.

At what point do we begin to let go of the false sense of hope that someone actually has real potential to become our significant other? I suppose everyone, at some point or another, feels that they would cheat themselves out of a good thing once they give up if they don't see enough progress in a certain amount of time. But is it really worth the hurt and humiliation to continue holding onto to something that may never be? Sometimes, I suppose we get the short end of the stick regardless. We hang in there praying that he/she will come to their senses and realize what they have in front of them only to find out that they knew the entire time that they had no real intentions of pursuing anything more than a physical or platonic relationship. On the other hand, those of us who are strong enough to leave (before we are left) look back feeling incredibly foolish to have ever allowed someone to take up that much of the time we could have spent A). Soul searching, B). With someone else, or C). By our damn selves! Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right? It amazes me how arrogant and childish some people are. The ones who lack any real substance are the main ones walking around as if they are soooo unattainable when, truth be told, they are the ones with the most baggage. Raise your hand if you want an insecure, flakey-ass, overly sensitive, bullshittin' muuhfucka who runs their mouth more than they can back it up? *Whomp Whooooommmmp!!!* And when are we going to discontinue using every "legitimate" excuse that we can come up with in order to keep from looking like the bad guy? Any real man or woman is going to appreciate the truth over a load of crap any day.

I have a friend who spent 2 whole years of her life waiting on a man whom she loved more than (I believe) she loved herself. I was pretty surprised when he finally came around and decided to make things official, but I wasn't surprised when he allowed one small arguement to determine the status of their relationship. Do I think this man ever really loved this woman? Actually, yes I do. Do I believe he loved her as much if not more than he loved himself? Absolutely not. Granted I only know one side of the story, but the fact that he took 2 years cosummate a "title" leaves me to believe that once the Tom & Jerry phase was over, so was the whole point of stringing her along. I am a firm believer that people get satisfaction out of making others look pathetic and desperate by filling their heads with lies and empty promises. I know, I know...people only go as far as others allow them. But what if they were truely oblivious to what was going on around them. I'm amazed at the amount of people I know personally who could win Academy Awards for their acting skills, lol. It's just really sad that the main people who complain about not being able to find "the right person" are the ones who are in dire need of some serious self-evaluation. Unfortunately you can't change people. As much as we would love to slap some sense into those who ignorantly pass the blame onto this person, that person, and her and her and him too the only two options we have are: 1). Pray for them. 2). Remove them from our lives.

My outlook on several things has significantly changed over the last 8 months or so. I have definitely learned to appreciate things for what they are really worth (including myself) and my ability to see through the lies and bullshit has increased by 100%. I'm also proud of the fact that I have now become so secure with myself that rather than settling for something that's "good enough" I aim for things that excite me more and more each day. I'm only 22 and by no means do I have everything figured out. I continue to make mistakes just like any other human being, but the difference between the old and new ME is that my head is no longer in the clouds. I take disappointment like a grain of salt and I'm liable to let a nigga know with no hesitation. I feel blessed to have the ability to let go and move on with my life without allowing hurtful situations dictate my sense of happiness. So here's to the ones who have lied, cheated, manipulated, used & abused; those of us who were brave enough to walk away and strong enough to stay away we owe you...NOTHING! *middle finger*

Barack Obama 2008

Last night was an emtional one on so many levels. I remember being 17 and in my junior year of high school, taking a U.S. History class. I will never forget asking the teacher if he thought that we would ever have a black president. As soon as the question came out of my mouth, he responded with a quick and casual, "No." He then stated that if we ever did, it would not be while he or I were alive. It is by far the greatest feeling my heart has ever known to prove him wrong. Not for the sake of proving him wrong, but because last night we achieved what most thought was the impossible. No one of other ethnicities or races will ever be able to understand what a monumental and historic event Nov. 4, 2008 is and always will be. I took Obama's winning as a personal triumph. I, fortunately, never had to endure the things so many of our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and ancestors have gone through in order to get to where we are today, but I most definitely sympathize and take any and everything that has happened to my fellow African American people to heart. To hear the words, "Our new President-Elect of the United States is Barack Obama" was so surreal. I was overwhelmed with emotions and found myself almost in tears to know that the steps our slave ancestors built that lead up to the White House are now the very ones an African American man will be standing at the top of. I have never been more proud in my entire life to be African American. More than the issue of race, I truely believe that this man will bring our country back to state of well being. Things are going to take time and it always gets worse before it gets better, but I know, in my heart, that over the next 4 years we will most definitely see great improvements. A lot of people doubt that this man is capable of staying true to the promises he's made, but what's important is that more people know that he will make necessary changes to our economy. The next 4 years are going to change our lives. Get ready!

MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!

Cruise Control

I often write and speak a lot about relationships. This is mainly due to the fact that I am so horrible at them, although I'm beginning to get better each time a new man enters my life. So what exactly defines a relationship? I know people who met, began talking, went out on a few dates and before long, they've spent so much time together that it's understood that they are now a couple. I can't recall a time this has ever been the case for me. I dated one guy for about 6 months and as long as everything was good between us, I was his "girl", but as soon as things went bad I "wasn't his girl". This wasn't really his way of breaking up with me, but more of a way to control the situation so that he could constantly manipulate me and the extent of our "relationship". Because of this incredibly unhealthy situation I have gained a completely different way of thinking upon meeting someone new. I have learned to go with my first instinct and trust the signs that are clear and evident. I will be the first to admit that I have always been somewhat--okay VERY impulsive and would jump straight to the physical aspect of a relationship before even getting a decent meal and/or movie. Nowadays, I'm honestly a little afraid of intimacy. Something as simple as a kiss can create a window of possibilities of more physical things happening which opens the door to a plethora of emotions and feelings that can ultimately lead to a 50/50 chance of either heart break or commitment.

What happens when you meet an individual who is so scorned from their previous relationship that they almost have no way of committing to a simple conversation over drinks? I've had to learn (the hard way) that when someone is still licking their wounds, it's in your best interest and theirs to just be friends. I've had one man in particular tell me at least once in every conversation we've had that he's "not ready/looking for a relationship". The last time I checked, a relationship was not a factor in our process of getting to know one another. So I asked him, "Are you trying to convince me...or yourself that you're not looking/ready for a relationship?" And what was his answer? ".........". Yes, complete silence. Let me be the first to say that this man fits the bill of what I would consider "my type". He works, he has great conversation, he's good looking and has something to offer any individual who is lucky enough to be with him. With all of these characteristics rolled into one person, the potential to be with him (in more ways than one) definitely crosses my mind. But there's no rush. I know through experience that although time waits for nothing and nobody, it tells all.

Sometimes it's not enough to tell someone that what you say is true. Certain individuals rely solely on actions because it is for sure that they speak louder than words. However, in order to know whether or not that person is being genuine or telling you what they think you want to hear or acting out what they believe you want to see, you have to open up and allow them to showcase their sincerity one way or another.

Part 2

As I was browsing and being nosy, I stumbled upon a blog (by someone I don't know) and read her entry discussing something that she said she had been hearing a lot of lately: the DEMANDS women put on potential suitors. Over the last few years I have most definitely raised my standards although the things that really truely count, I'm still struggling with. I work, so I expect anybody that I date to have a job as well. I have my own vehicle and I feel my man should too. I don't have my own place yet, but I do expect someone that I'm seeing to be living with ANYONE besides his mother. I know that sounds hypocritical, but we have all at one point or another dated a mama's boy and as long as a man is living with his mother, there's only room for one woman in the house and it's not gonna be you. This woman went on to give an example of someone she knew personally who would "parking lot pimp" and approach men who drove luxary vehicles. I suppose the only reason she preferred men who drove nice cars is because at one point she was married to an ex-football player. What she clearly failed to realize is that there are PLENTY of broke ass men out there who want everybody to believe that they actually have something by flossing a Benz that they more than likely live out of because they can't afford a decent one bedroom apartment. I have never been one to live outside my means and although image is very important to me, I refuse to spend all of my hard earned money on clothes and shoes when I have other financial responsiblilites to take care of. But I digress.

I have a relative who is only 19 years old, but has already began to base whether or not a man is worthy of her attention based on "what he can do" for her. I guess she's got it honest because her mother is the same way. My mom has always preferred a man who could bring something to the table, but she has also been very independent and was able to take care of the both of us without the help of a man.As I stated in a few blogs back, it is due to my own personal satisfaction that I have made it a personal goal to live completely alone for a least 1 year before I even consider living with a man. I plan on having a successful career within the next couple of years so I don't see why that should be a problem for me. I guess I just worry about falling victim to the very thing that gets a woman caught up in a situation where she's insecure on whether or not she can afford to take care of herself without the financial support of a man. I honestly can't see myself getting married and starting a family while I'm in my 20's. I feel these are the years that I'm supposed to enjoy myself and find out what I really want in life. My mom has told me several times over the last few years that there is no written rule that says you have to get married and have kids. I think a lot of this is her trying to encourage me to be self-supporting above anything else. I think if she could have done everything all over again she would have waited a few more years and probably had kids and got married to a different man.

I am very fortunate that throughout the years of dating several losers, nothing has perminately done any damage. It is very difficult as a woman to make clear conscious decisions without basing it on a feeling that may be hard to deal with a the time, but very likely that you will get over. I'm more than ready to meet a man with whom I can have a lasting and healthy relationship with, but my days of being desperate and willing to settle for something that is way less than I deserve are long gone. For women (and men) who are getting what they feel they don't deserve, take a step back and look at the kind of people you're surrounding yourself with. After all, you're only as good as the company you keep...

Part 1

YESSSSSSS! For once the face I'm making isn't totally hideous. LoL ..

WHOOO LET THE DOGS OOOOOUT!!?

I swear I wish I had more time to write on here...



When and where do men get off thinking that all they have to do is show up and they get what they want? Have none of you ever heard of the 6 letter word "effort"? It seems as if that word may have been removed from the male English language because here lately I am seeing little to none what-so-ever and it's becoming quite redundant. I admit I've mostly been the one to put my foot forward FIRST and try to do the half way thing just so that I can show that I'm not as selfish as most women are made out to be. But it never fails, men get too comfortable too quick and they totally disregard the fact that every once in a while a woman wants to be treated as such. I met up with an old "friend" this past weekend for lunch and some R&R afterwards. To begin with, I suggested a restaurant that I liked, but he had never been to. Right when we're getting ready to be on our way, he suggests something different at his convenience. Being the reasonable person I am, I went along with it even though I was very irritated with the fact that he couldn't even be considerate enough to try this place. What amuses me about this guy is he used to tell me all the time "Just name something. If there's something you want, tell me", and as soon as I do, he finds a way to manipulate the situation and have it his fucking way! Anyway, we order and eat our food, and instead of being a GENTLEMAN, he says "If you don't mind, I'll pay for my half and you pay for yours". I put a smile on my face but on the inside I was pissed off. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, I was not mad at the fact that he didn't pay for my meal, I was mad at the fact that he made NO effort in the least bit to meet me half way. He dictates what restaurant we go to and then can't even offer to pay for my little $11.00 meal that I didn't even enjoy! But you know what? I take full responsibility for the entire situation because all I had to say was "No, I really want to go to the other place". After all, I was the one driving! The worst part about the whole situation was the man goes back to my house and expects to actually get some! Not to sound like a hooker or anything, but if you can't do anything more than show your face around here then you gets NOTHIN'! I have honestly had it with men and their bullshit. I just want to meet a decent man with good values and morals when it comes to life and love, who has his head on straight enough to be heading in the right direction. To be honest, I did recently meet one who I could tell from the first conversation was a good catch, but due to the fact that he is fresh out of a relationship, I think it would be in his best interest and mine that we keep things on a platonic level. My mom told me earlier today that when it comes to men I have this "thing" where I try to save them from whatever problems they have while in the meantime, I put my personal (relationship) needs on hold. She might be right...

Vlog #2

Why does it always look like I'm making an ugly ass face on these things?! Geez... Anywho! Enjoy!

Digging for gold...with chocolate in the middle ;)

Thus far, it has been an uninteresting weekend with rather interesting events.

Friday was supposed to be a "date night" for me. Nothing major--dinner and a movie. The night before, I was having a casual conversation with the guy I was planning on going out with, and I casually asked him a rather personal question. Before I reveal the question, I would like to note that I did ask him to not take it the wrong way because some people (especially men) get rather defensive when someone asks certain things that they feel is either personal or irrelevant. Being that we were on the subject of work, I asked him what his salary was. Now before anybody freaks out or forms an opinion, I'd like to say that in my defense I did not ask him how much money he brought home on his paycheck. I probably should have worded it differently and asked what I really meant which was "how much does someone make doing what you do?" The night we were supposed to go out, he calls me and tells me, in not so many words, that he got the impression that I was after him for his money. I will admit that since I am getting older and trying to take dating a tad bit more seriously, a man's establishment is important to me. That does not necessarily mean that I'm concerned with whether or not he brings home over $50,000.00 a year. My dad doesn't make that much, and my mom substantially earns at least $15,000.00 more than he does, but it has never made a difference to her. Being that my mom has never been concerned with anything other than a man having a job, she has not raised me to rely on the financial security of a man for my well being. For the record (and yes I'm bragging) I work Mon-Fri earning a decent amount of money that allows me to pay for my own brand new vehicle, I pay for my own tuition as well as books, I pay my own cell phone bill (which is NOT cheap), and anything else that I need or want on a regular basis. Oh yeah, and I'm kid free. I do NOT need a man for anything other than company, comfort and a good lay every now and then. I know that some people may say that there has to be some truth behind it if I'm getting so defensive, but honestly, I strongly dislike women who look to a man for financial security. I take a great deal of pride in everything that I do independently and the last thing I want is for someone to put me in a category with gold-diggers. But I'm through explaining myself...

On a lighter note I have my first lab exam tomorrow and I'm shittin' bricks. I've been studying everyday for the past couple of weeks but I still don't feel fully prepared for it. I know that a lot of it is anxiety because the professor is basically throwing us to the wolves, but regardless of how well I do or don't do I'll know what to expect the next time and hopefully I won't stress as much.

Rescue me...PUH-LEASE!

A quick intermission from my life a.k.a STUDYING.

I would have never thought that I would be so overwhelmed so quickly with school. I guess it's a matter of getting used to a new routine with doubled responsibilites. All I know is, thank GOD I don't have kids! I honestly don't see how people do it with families. It's hard enough to find time to get all of my other work and studying done without the stress or noise of children running around, although sometimes I feel like I live with a child when my deaf ass daddy has the t.v. cut up as loud as it'll go. So this will be the 2nd week in a row that someone has asked me to come out and I've had to say no because I can't afford to be out when I'm pressed for time to prepare for an exam 10 days from now. Even though it's disappointing that I had to decline, I'm pretty proud of myself for having my priorities in the right order. Aside from all of the work, the toughest part about everything going on right now is doing it without someone to talk to. But it could be a lot worse, so when I have my "moments" I always try to look at the bigger picture and count my blessings. I just really hate feeling lonely. I've always been the one out of everybody who was constantly single and never had a problem with that...until I start to get stressed and overwhelmed and realize that I have no one to comfort me. Why the hell am I even going on about this?? That kind of thing will always be around and it will be there when the time is right. At this point, my main focus is school--not work, not men, SCHOOL. I have my whole life to work and be in and out of love, but I'm very limited to the amount of time I have to complete my education.

And I'm back!

So...I've been on a slight hiatus. Last Monday was my first day of school and I'm just glad I made it out alive lol! I was a little overwhelmed in the beginning and worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew, but I'm cool now. 4 out of the 5 classes I'm taking are part of the criteria to apply to the nursing program so I'll be busting my ass for the next 2 semesters. I'm excited that I'm finally on my little road to success, but I can't help but be worried that things won't go as I anticipate. It seems that every obsticle I run into, my faith in God grows stronger and stronger, and I don't think I've had more conversations with Him or prayed as much as I have lately, in my entire life.

On another note, I've had several revelations this week. I'm ready to start "cleaning house" with a lot of things in my life. I've definitely realized that I can't afford to have any distractions right now, because as soon as I allow the slightest thing to get my attention, I'll lose focus and put things that are very demanding of my attention off until the next day, then the next, then the next and then I'll look up and I've reached my deadline with nothing to hand in. So, I suppose for right now I'll be fine without the company and/or comfort of a man.

Speaking of men, do you ever wonder if the person you're waiting for is already there and you just don't realize it? We all have an ideal person embedded in our minds, making it very difficult to acknowledge the possibility that what we're looking for has been in front of us the whole time. If I could make a list of ingredients to create the perfect man, it would consist of the following: 2 cups Good looking, 1 1/2 cups great in bed, 1 cup good sense of humor, 2 tbsp job w/ benefits, 1 tbsp relationship with God, and 1 stick of honesty. Blend all of that at medium speed, bake for 21-26 years and ta-daaaaaa! You've got my perfect man made especially for me. Now I'm sure that there is a man somewhere out there that has all of the qualities and characteristics that I so desire, but I doubt I will find him anytime soon. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm not as ready for that as I'd like to think I am. Then again, maybe I've already met him and I just don't know it. Sometimes you let things and people pass you by before you are able to see the true value in them, but as some of us get older and begin focusing on the things that truely matter within a person, we don't worry so much about the little things that may "excite" us.

This...is me :)

I know that I look a HAWT ass mess and I know that I look extra eeeeextra chunky, but it was 10:30 at night and so not the time to be worried about looking like a beauty queen. I'm trying something new so I hope you enjoyed me talking about absolutely nothing. :)

Christina Aguilera-->Xtina-->Christina Aguilera

There is something so incredibly beautiful about this woman.

I don't know very many people personally who listen to her music, but I started out, like everyone else, listening to her because she was part of the huge pop craze that hit pre-teens and teenagers like The Plauge about 10 years ago. Britney Spears, N'SYNC, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, I even remember some group that had a song out about Abercrombie & Fitch. Christina Aguilera was definitely not as popular as Britney was back then but let's compare the two nowadays and see where they are now that pop is no longer what's flying off the shelves at Best Buy and Target. Christina's second album titled "Stripped" has BY FAR been my favorite one to date. For the first couple of years I had the CD I listened to tracks 1-11 on repeat anytime I popped it in. Oneday I just decided to let the thing play all the way through, and after that I couldn't wait until she came out with another. The one thing I absolutely love about this woman's music is everything she sings about is what a lot of females seem to be afraid to say. Most of us hate to admit that after a break-up the real problem was that we were naive and blinded by what we wanted rather than what was really there, but still can't seem to let go. Or even the ones who are a little embarrassed to be themselves sexually. Afraid to be as liberal with their sexuality as a man is because of the double standards. And let's not forget about those of us who are so strong willed and stubborn that we have the hardest time admitting that sometimes we can't pick up the pieces and that *one guy* saves us from ourselves. And let us PUH-LEASE not forget how good the girl can saaaaaaaaang! I definitely feel she is nowhere near as recognized as the phenomenal singer/songwriter she is. However, I will go on to say that throughout the years she has been in the spotlight, it's been...interesting to see how certain events almost define the context of her albums. It's no mystery that when someone falls in love their whole lease on life is totally different, and when I say in love I don't mean the one that makes you swear you'll never love again, but the real one. The kind that makes you, well, sing! LoL. So, yeah, LADIES whether you're going through something or not, one way or another you will relate to this girl's lyrics because they are the truth and she sings it so beautifully. Download iTunes if you don't already have it and check out some of her music if you haven't heard her albums. Disappointment is not an option.

Blahhh!

So here I am, day 3 of being siiiiiiiiiiiiick. I haven't been like this in God knows how long. I started out with body aches and no appetite (which is VERY unusual, lol) and then I've just gotten worse each day. I'll spare the details, but I stuck it out and went to work Monday and yesterday, but I HAD to stay in the bed today. I did get up for just a little while and decided to go see how well I was doing with my weight loss and I went down another pound!! So that makes about 23 all together and over all I've lost 18 inches. I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself, which is something new because I've always been very self-conscious. I suppose there are things here and there about my physical appearance that I will never be satisfied with, but for the the most part I'm feeling good. On another note, I'm not doing so well "personally". I still have yet to wake up feeling normal. I smile and laugh and go on with my daily life as if everything is normal and nothing bothers me. I guess it's fairly simple to do so because I keep trying to convince myself that I really am okay. I still pray and every time I start thinking about it I tell myself "you're okay, you'll be fine, you're strong". It's just...lonely. I remember feeling like this about a year ago. When I look back and think about how vulnerable I was there was almost nothing I was immune to when it came to men. That's exactly why I ended up with the bottom of the barrel. So until things change, I'll just keep a smile on my face and continue to be strong so that I don't fall victim to another person's split personality. I recently heard someone say that there are 3 chapters in a relationship: The Introduction, The Friendship, and The Intimacy. She explained that intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex, but the point in your relationship where you begin to share personal thoughts and feelings with each other. There's no time limit for it; it can take a few weeks, a few months or even a few years. Now, when you're in your early 20's that can all happen in one day! I just...miss him. Hmph, anyway. I'm starting school in a week and a half and I'm equally nervous as I am excited. I've been online constantly looking at all of my options as a RN. I know I have a couple of years before I have to even worry about it, but it's already been 2 years since I finished school the first time around! I'm also really looking forward to meeting new people. My 3 girls will always, always, always be my number 1, but it'll be interesting to see what kind of other people I become friends with.

Sunday Morning

What a week!

Monday I GOT MY CAR!!!!! I feel like such a princess driving that car. The best part about it, is it's mine. I realized after getting that car that for the next few years the most important thing is me. I'm making it a priority that before I start a life with someone else, I have to have everything for myself and I want to make sure that I leave time to enjoy it. I've seen too many women go from having nothing to everything being "ours" instead of "mine", and I don't want that. Wednesday, I met up with an old friend and I had about a million and one thoughts going through my head the whole time. One thing he said to me that I could not agree more with, was that we jumped head first into our relationship. We had known each other in another life and I guess because of our history, I felt that there was no need to "get to know each other" or be friends for a while. But we are definitely not the same people today that we were back then. I'm a HUGE believer in God's will, and if it's meant to be it will be. There was never a bad moment between us and that's probably the hardest part about starting completely over and having a strictly platonic relationship. We both have a lot of personal things that need to be fixed before the two of us can go any further in life as a couple and actually have a healthy and successful relationship. All I can do is pray about it. I watched Waiting to Exhale this weekend and after years of seeing that movie over 100 times I finally get it. The one thing I love about that movie is in spite of the bullshit in their relationships they still remained strong women who depended on the foundation of their friendship with one another to get through hard times. One of the character's, Bernadine, was left after 11 years of marriage for another woman. The worst part for her was that she "didn't have a plan B". Her marriage was her life, her backbone and while no one enters a marriage expecting it to fail, too many women realize when it's too late that they don't know anything but their life at home. This goes back to what I said earlier about having my own. I'd love to get married and have a family, but I need to know for my own satisfaction that if things don't work out, I'll be just fine on my own. The one thing I loved about that movie was the closeness the 4 women had. I can only hope that as me and my girls get older and life changes we'll always look to each other for love and comfort. Because with your girls, you know it's always genuine.

Day 3

So right now I'm kind of up and down with how I've been feeling the last few days. I've had a lot of time to think this weekend and one minute I'll be fine, the next minute I'm sad, a few minutes after that I get angry. I'll just be glad when I get back to normal and I'm happy again. I was cleaning out one of my purses yesterday and I found the ticket stub to the first movie we ever went to, and the stub for the last movie we saw. It made me giggle a little bit. But my day went on and it was pretty eventful for the most part. I had to babysit yesterday morning and for the first time, the kids parents left the car seat for the little one AND the keys to their Tahoe. I felt something like a queen sittin' up in that thing, lol. So Madisyn and I played "store" for a few minutes while Hagan ran around with his cup in one hand and a poptart in the other until they were ready to eat lunch. We went to Toot's and then to see Wall-E. I swear, I have NEVER been so bored in a movie in my entire life! LoL. But Madisyn wanted to see it, and Hagan actually sat there like a big boy and watched about half of it until he fell asleep. After we left the movie the kids, my parents and I hopped in the car and made our way to Gallitan to buy me a new car. Needless to say, my parents weren't happy with what the dealership was trying to sell us so everything fell through and I left with nothing. So our search continues as of tomorrow and hopefully by next weekend I'll be riding around in my BRAND NEW car. This is actually a big deal for me. The car will be in my name, making it my first real purchase and I am be-yoooond excited because I never would have thought that I would own the car I've dreamed of having since I was 16 at 21 years of age. For the first time, yesterday, my dad actually expressed how proud he was of me for always doing well in life. It meant a lot to hear him say that considering he's not the type to really "express" himself. On another note, have a bib handy when I post pics of my new vehicle because you will be drooling quite a bit, lol.

Session #1

I thought that it would hurt more. I feel it, or at least I feel something, but it only hurts a little bit. Although I have to admit, I kind of expected him to say something when I told him that I was disappointed and wanted things to work, but knew that they weren't going to. You know, a simple "no it's not going to work" or "I wanted things to work too" would have sufficed. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out if when someone says nothing, are they telling you everything? The fact that he kept quiet could mean one of two things: A). He wasn't disappointed. Or B). Maybe he thinks things will work out in another place, another time. I may never know. I pray every night about this. It's been my main focus over the last few months but it's no longer in my hands. I learned a long time ago that when something or someone really means something to you the best way to figure things out is to leave it in the hands of a greater power. The love I have in my heart is undeniable; even amongst all the BS and "drama" I am still so in love. But what can I say? He saved me in more ways than one. He came along just when I was ready to convince myself that maybe I didn't have what it took to be with someone that I loved and adored and the feeling was reciprocal. He showed me what it was like to have fun in the most simple ways. He gave me a sense of weakness when he kissed me, something I never knew existed. He's my best friend. I could be bitter and angry and make him out to be a typical man that used me until it got old and left me for someone else to pick up the pieces, but he was and is one hell of a person. I used to always think that loving someone meant that you did whatever you had to do in order to prove to them where you stood when it came to your emotions, and I suppose in a way it does, but I've learned that part of loving someone is knowing when to let go. It doesn't do either person any good to hinder one another from finding themselves in a relationship. I was and still am very happy that I was able to share a portion of my life with him. I laughed, I cried, I felt things that I didn't know were real. I'm gonna miss what we had, but I look forward to what may come...