Is this thing on?

2009-08-16T10:21:00.001-05:00

I tried to copy & paste, but it wouldn't let me. So in the meantime: http://misswhitni.wordpress.com

A Heart Made of Marshmallows :-)

2009-05-06T18:26:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder where I get it from...

First off, let me say that you are awesome. There are so many qualities about you that I appreciate because it is rare that I am lucky enough to encounter a man of your stature. With that being said, it has not been easy to let you go. I don't know if it's me, or your schedule, or another woman, or a combination of all three, but as I told you in my last email, something caused this situation to become one-sided. I know that most people on the outside (possibly yourself included) would look at the time I've spent trying to communicate with you as a desperate attempt to gain even a mere ounce of reassurance that everything is okay. Truth be told, for once in my life, I didn't want to give up, and I still don't, but in my heart of hearts, I believe that you have. I'm probably making a fool of myself by being so uninhibited, but I'm willing to take a chance because at this point, there's no need to be candid about my feelings for you. For the record, I wanted to be with you more than I can say. I cannot tell you how much it made my day to get simple text messages from you letting me know you missed me, you were thinking about me, or simply asking me what and how I was doing. You became so important, so quickly and I hadn't been that happy in a long time.

I honestly wish that things could have worked out differently, but I know that circumstances occur and sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. I don't know your situation right now, but I'm always willing to listen if at any time you feel the need to explain it to me, or you simply want to talk. Meeting someone like you has made me not only raise my standards, but it's made me want to be a better woman. You make me want to be smarter and more worldly, and I have never met a man who inspired me so much by simply being himself. You're amazing, and I feel so lucky to have met you and experienced (for the first time in a long time) what it was like to go to bed and wake up happy knowing that I had something to look forward to. So...thank you for that. I'm here if you ever need someone.

Take care...

2009-05-05T10:19:00.003-05:00

How do we know when our subconscious mind is God speaking to us, or if it's all of our thoughts and feelings being processed and portrayed through a dream?

I've been praying to God to show me something. Something that I can't find an answer to any other way. I had a dream last night that I feel answered my question, but I had gone over the possibility so much in my head, that I wonder if I caused myself to have that vision in my subconscious mind. I remember being with someone last year who was dishonest from day one. I knew something wasn't right about him, and within a few days of me having reservations, the Lord spoke to me and revealed all of this man's true layers. When I explained to him that I'd had this dream, he became defensive which further let me know that my dream was God's way of letting me know that everything I thought and felt was true.

I listen to everything someone tells me, especially when I care about him/her. However, I over-analyze things so much that as soon as I see glitch in something, I think the worst has happened or is yet to come. One characteristic I wish I obtained, is the ability to relax and go with the flow. I know that I'm over-bearing by any means, but I let every bad thought possible plague my, otherwise, rational sense of thinking, and before I know it, I've worked myself up! My mom's been telling me for a long time now that I need to see a doctor and get on medication for it, and I know that she's being facetious, but I wonder if I do need to seek some type of help that will allow me to take a step back and *breathe*. I'm 22 years old without a care in the world and should not let little things stress me out as much as they do. I guess that's what happens when you don't have any real problems, lol.

While I search for more answers, I think I will continue to pray and take these revelations for what they are worth. I just hope that when the time is right, all of my prayers are answered.

On The Brighter Side...

2009-04-28T21:00:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling much better. I was no longer hurting, which is great, but it was definitely not expected. I don't want to grieve over another failed relationship, but with the way I went to bed feeling, I certainly did not expect to wake up feeling the total opposite. I'm not big on text messages or emails because I feel that they are just too impersonal, however, I sent *him* a text letting him know that even though I'm not sure why we haven't been talking, surely there's a legitimate reason for it. I also let him know that I miss him and hope to talk soon. I didn't know what was going to happen as far as a response, but when I did not receive one back, I didn't think much of it. I think I've done what I can to salvage what was obviously not mine to begin with. I've always thought that by "doing too much" you can scare a potential boyfriend/girlfriend off, but if the feelings are mutual, you can never do too much.

I've been on a mission the last couple of days to change my location. Needless to say, my mother is NOT happy with the idea of me moving, but I really feel like I need this. I got my letter in the mail for nursing school, and they "kind of" accepted me. They put me on a waiting list. So if someone drops out of the program, I could possibly be next in line for their spot. Someone, or several people, dropping, is likely to happen, as it always does in every nursing program, so...we shall see! In the meantime, I have been browsing the Internet looking for apartments as well as applying for jobs out of state, and hopefully by Jan. 2010, I will be OUTTA HERE!!! I love TN and I don't want to leave everyone, but I feel extremely confined to my surroundings. It's a scary thought, being all alone in another city, but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I'll NEVER do it. I'm expecting an info packet in the mail from a school that teaches nothing but nursing, and they start every quarter, so the odds of me getting in are very high.

I know that I'm young and have all the time in the world to establish myself and build a career as a health care professional, but I don't want to be 30 and still trying to "find myself". I realize that throughout life you are always searching for answers and questioning your purpose, but nursing is 100% where I want to be, and I want to walk into an office or hospital as a RN by the time I'm 25. After that, hopefully everything else will fall right into place. In the meantime, my summer and fall semester is set as far as school, and because I chose to take on a full load my first year back in college, I now have more time to WORK. Being broke is hard on your pride and your social life, especially when you've been able to do whatever you wanted with your money since you've been 16 years old. I plan on making a day out of going around to different offices next week, and I pray to God that by the end of May I'm working. I'd hate to go more than 6 months without any employment. Not only that, but the longer I work, the more money I can save for a deposit on my first apartment!

I'm in a much better mood today, despite the tears. Thank God...

Am I Wrong?

2009-04-26T11:58:00.003-05:00

Is it wrong to ask God to give you another chance with someone? I hate to continue dwelling on a subject as shallow as a relationship, but I haven't felt this discouraged since I lost my boyfriend, DJ, at the tender age of 18. I remember it as vividly as the days it was taking place...

He and I met through a mutual "friend" when I was a 17 year old high school senior. He was instantly attracted to me, but being the superficial stuck up snob I was back then, I couldn't see past his raggedy tennis shoes and his lack of style. After several months of trying to get to know me, he'd finally had it with me ignoring him and let me have via text message. I felt bad because even though I didn't like the kid, I still had somewhat of a conscience and didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I made up the excuse that I was just oh-so-busy with school work and end of the semester papers, and it was nothing personal. My parents began going through some hard times in their relationship and one night my mom told me to just get out of the house for a little while. So I dressed myself up, called everybody I knew and was friends with, but only 2 people could and would make time for me: good ol' Yasmeyn, and DJ. It was at that point something in me clicked. He was there for me when hardly no one else was. So...I fell. I fell fast and hard.

4 months later, he decided that it was in his best interest to see if "with me is where he really wanted to be, or with her is where he belonged". I remember not hardly being able to do anything but cry. Cry, cry, cry. It was terrible. I'd be at work crying. I'd be at school crying. I'd be in the bed attempting to get some sleep crying. I was a mess! I never got over it, but I guess I didn't have to because a month later we were back together. I felt...complete again. Wow. 18 years old, feeling "complete" because a hormonal 19 year old boy chose her over his Wal-Mart co-worker. The crazy thing about that situation is, 2-3 years later, he moves to the same city she was from and ultimately moved back to, and they rekindled what I had apparently gotten in the way of. Unfortunately, she had not gotten over what he, along with other men in her past, had done to hurt her emotionally and she ended their relationship. She was stupid for that one. She gave up a good one :-/

As crazy, and even down right stupid as I feel for saying this, something, that voice, is telling me that it's not over. I'm probably riding a cloud made up of a plethora of false sense of hope, but truthfully it gives me a sense of relief and peace of mind. Another thing that makes me feel differently about this one, is the fact that I NEVER want to give relationships a chance. I don't have any fear of commitment and I don't get bored easily, I just don't see any point in continuing with someone who doesn't make me happy. I often look into the future with every single guy that I begin getting to know. If I can't see him being a permanent fixture in the equation whether it be because he's selfish, a liar, has a short temper or just trifling, I don't bother giving him a chance. But this one...he's special. I feel like a fool for being this head over heels for someone who for the past week has dropped off the face of the earth.

So really, is it wrong to pray to God to give you another chance with someone? Is that "too shallow"? We all need love, and after a year with no companionship, I honestly don't think it's too much to ask...

How Ya Gonna Fix It...?

2009-04-25T20:33:00.002-05:00

I used to think being beautiful or fitting a certain "prototype" meant something. Back when I had this frame of mind, I'm pretty sure it did. Most teenagers have no idea what it takes to see beyond the physical aspects of a person, unless they were sincerely taught from an early age that how a person acts and treats you is what matters. I worked hard, last year, to lose weight and work on my image in hopes that the amount of confidence I gained would make getting a man much easier. Yes, I began to gain confidence, dress sexier and, ultimately, get more attention. I loved it. I felt better than I had in a long time. But as quickly as I absorbed all of this new found confidence and attention, the initial excitement died just as fast. Bottom line: I want a boyfriend! There...I said it. My standards and expectations may be a little high and somewhat unrealistic according to some people, but when you aim high, you're likely to get what you really want. I'm sitting here for the 3rd weekend in a row with nothing to do. I often relish being single because I'm stress and drama free, but truth be told, I'd like to have something and someone to look forward to when I'm not studying or out being carefree with my girls. Not to say that a boyfriend would be my "back up plan", so to speak, but something to keep my life fun and exciting, even on nights when we just sit around watching old episodes of Martin or renting movies from the $1.99 section at Hastings.

I picked up Steve Harvey's new book today, "Act Like a Lady...Think Like a Man" and have already almost finished it. The book provided a sense of empowerment, and made me realize (more so than ever) that it's okay to have requirements and express them if what you want and expect out of a man is more than he's brought to the table thus far. With that being said, I made the decision to let the most recent man in my life know that when he was ready for what I have to offer, he knew where and how to find me. I don't know where things went wrong between us, but somewhere along the line, our signals got crossed and went awire. I went left, he went right. Then again, maybe we were never really headed in the same direction. Either way, I can't keep hanging on and waiting for something and someone to tell me something. It's much easier and less painful to make that decision on my own...as hard as it is. I sat back thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why this man up and decided he wanted to "act funny". Maybe he's testing me. Maybe he has a 3 month "rule". Maybe he's SUPER busy. Maybe not. No matter what rules a person creates, no matter how busy they are, no matter how long they may try and succeed at putting a time limit on some(one)thing, one thing is for certain: when they like you, really like you, they will NEVER be candid or coy about letting you know. Okay, so men don't think and/or function the same way women do in and out of relationships, that's fine! However, it leaves no room to ignore or justify when he's just plain tired of you and makes no bones about hiding it.

I guess what disappoints me soooo much is the fact that for the first time in my life, I felt something, instead of trying to create it. When I met this man, I could have sworn God was talking to me. The feeling was unlike anything I've experienced, and it was more intense than I can put into words. Without me even thinking about it, my HEART told me, "that is your husband". I didn't want to believe it, and I even indirectly prayed to God to show me that this man was NOT meant for me. The Lord giveth, and He taketh away. Amen. So what did He do? He answered my prayer, even though the minute I realized what was happening I begged for mercy and just wanted him back. Maybe one day... But when the Lord blesses you with someone or something you've prayed long and hard about, and rather than praising and thanking Him for His blessing(s), He has no problem removing it/them from your life. I feel like I cheated myself out of a good thing this time, and it's quite disheartening.

If, God willing, I get a second chance, I will definitely know what to do with it.

Torn.

2009-04-24T08:59:00.002-05:00

I normally would not post something like this, but being that the situation has left me feeling a bit defeated, I have to get it off my chest.

I met someone nearly 2 months ago and the chemistry was undeniable. As we began talking and getting to know each other, I realized that this may be the man for me. He was smart, well spoken, accomplished and still continued to strive for more. I've had my share of men throughout the years, and while they were all very different from one another, they all had one thing in common: their heads were never screwed on right. I became so enraptured with the thought of what was yet to come with this man, and the idea of he and I being together, that I did the one thing I swore I wouldn't: I told everybody. It's funny how a person (women especially) can create a situation in their mind without giving it time to evolve. We'd made plans to see each other during the weekend he came to town, and I could not wait. I had the perfect outfit picked out, got my Hollywood weave put in, a fly color painted on my nails and toes, and was READY. He'd told me the day before he was supposed to come out, that he was going to try to make it Saturday due to some last minute changes with his friends. Being the understanding person I am, I said okay and went on about my day. Saturday rolled around and I heard nothing from him. Nothing. Needless to say, I was very disappointed and pretty humiliated that I'd told everybody who would listen about "my" man coming to visit me.

I've been trying to work on changing a lot of things about myself. I'm trying to be strong, and know when to let go when the situation calls for it. I'm a confrontational person when the situation deems it necessary, and I'm not candid about speaking my mind. However, I never want to appear to be a nag or the type of woman who complains all the time, so I pick my battles. For the first time in years, I sent this man an email letting him know how I felt. I chose my words wisely and felt that after he read it, the ball would now be in his court. He responded a few days later letting me know that I'm not alone in this. I still don't know what that means, but one thing's for sure, I can't keep dwelling on it.

I can decide between my heart and my head if what I'm feeling is God talking to me, or a false sense of hope that I'm holding onto because I want this man to be "the one". I'm not even sure if I believe in "the one" because it's so cliche. I think I would have been able to deal with this a lot better had I not told so many people about this man. I never even gave him or our relationship a chance to go anywhere before I started referring to him as "my man". I know better from this point on, and hopefully if the Lord is willing, I'll get a chance to learn from my impulsive mistakes.

A Penny for Your Thoughts?

2009-03-17T17:47:00.002-05:00

I am 22 years old doing what I do best: making lemonade out of the lemons life tends to hand you. I love being me, and what's odd about that, is I used to always think that if I changed a few of my superficial characteristics, that I would have better luck with men. I had an epihany sometime last year and realized that I had been in one bad relationship after the other. However, there was one thing each individual had in common: me. It was at that point that I decided it was time to work on myself before I did anything else. I started by making a point to eliminate all of the negativity in my life. Some things (and people) were removed without my assistance, and although at the time I couldn't make sense of it, after a while I began to acknowledge and appreciate the circumstances for what they were worth. The next thing I began to do was prey. Everyday. Every single day. I realized that everything is in God's will. He has your life planned no matter how you try to take control of a situation. I began thanking Him more often for the things I have rather than questioning him why I'm without. When I made that slight adjustment, I felt a sense of relief, as if He had removed all hurt and anger from my heart. Next, I began to speak my mind. I take a lot of pride in what kind of woman I am, and although simple minded individuals may look at my confidence as a threat, I see it as a quality. For a long time, I bit my tongue and held in how I felt in fear that speaking my mind would cause "that person" to walk away. I know, now, that any man who has a good grip on his manhood, will never feel threatened by an opinionated woman. However, I do recognize that there is a difference between being mouthy and opinionated, and fortunately, I know where and when to draw the line.

So many women seek approval from men, believing that a man's validation is what determines her self-worth. It's sad that some women allow a man to be so in control of their happiness, that the minute he walks away, her world comes crashing down right on top of her. I have a friend who went through the motions of an on again/off again relationship with a man for 2 1/2 years. He has now decided that this new woman is less complicated and "brings something to the table", so he has chosen to move on with his life and give this new relationship a try. Every day that I entertain my friend with conversation, she always manages to make the ENTIRE conversation about HIM. I am totally sensitive to the fact that she loved him, she gave him 2 1/2 years of her life, and she is now hurt because of the decision he made, but that is ultimately where she went wrong: she allowed HIM to make all of the decisions in and out of their relationship. He decided when they would see each other. He decided when they would be together. He decided when it was going to work. He even decided when they had sex. I sympathize deeply for this woman because she is incredibly lost and can't seem to let go and move on, but at the same time I am simply over it.

By no means do I feel I have it "together" when it comes to relationships. It's a process and I'm taking it one day at a time. I still find myself analyzing and overanalyzing things every single day. I actually had someone, whom I am very interested in, refer to me as his "future girlfriend" a few days ago. That was nice. I can't recall the last time I was on the same page with someone, and it's a really good feeling. When I first met this guy, he asked me why I was single. My answer: "I'm trying to work on a few things about myself before I get in another relationship". I found myself slipping back into my old ways last night when I didn't hear from him. Thinking, "Has he lost interest?" "Have I been initiating conversation too frequently, rather than letting him come to me??" "What if he met someone else?" While all of these things are possible, it is unlikely. So I began to read in order to take my mind off of it until I was ready to go to sleep. One thing that is important to understand about relationships, is understanding the opposite sex enough to keep from driving yourself crazy with ridiculous thoughts of why s/he did or didn't do something. Unfortunately, men don't view phone calls the same as women do, so skipping a day or two is no big deal for them. It used to be the hardest thing in the world for me to not talk to a guy a I liked every single day. I'd call a few times, text a few times, and even lose sleep over it tossing and turning all night trying to figure out what I did wrong. NOT anymore. There comes a point in some people's lives where they stop living in fear of rejection. Sure, nobody wants to feel unwanted, but it's part of life, and NOBODY gets everything they want in life. Every now and then, you have to let things go the way God intends for them to go. The minute you lose faith in Him and His will, that is when you lose, period.

Keep an open mind, an open heart, but most importantly, open eyes.

Love No Limit

2009-03-09T21:35:00.003-05:00

Beyonce & Jay-Z. Will & Jada. Michelle and Barack. Those are couples that come to mind when you think of black love, or power couples. I always wonder how they do it. They have a foundation that is so strong, only the power of God can break it. Their realtionships are so admirable and so real, I often wonder what it takes to not only keep it going, but to create it. When you meet the person whom you ultimately have a healthy and lasting relationship with, do you know it right away? Or does it take time? I seem to always have an inkling when it's not going to work out with someone, but when I actually want to create and establish a relationship, I get so confused about which direction I should go in or if I should simply stand still. They say go by what a man does, not by what he says, but shouldn't it be both? Men have always provided the unpredictability some relationships need in order to sustain excitement. At the same time, that unpredictability is the very thing that causes a woman to question their relationship, which has now become her relationship. I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine last night. This guy is very shallow, egotistical and self-absorbed. I tried to date him at one point, but being that we are both stuck in our ways, it didn't work. However, we talk and remain close friends. To begin with, he has a complex about women and their obligation to "please their man". I will never forget the first time he actually tried to use that line on me. I asked him if he was my man, and of course, his response was, "No, but--", and that's when I cut him off. I asked him why, if he's not my man, should I feel in any way obligated to please him, when he refuses to meet the minimum of my needs due to his pea-brained anaology that unless he's getting something out of it, then there's no reason he should do what I ask of him. The thing about this guy, is that he refuses to put any effort into his "relationships" because when he does, he realizes that it is no longer about him. When I attempted to make a point about him not being my man, therefore leaving me no obligation to satisfy him, he then wanted to throw in the "M" word: monogamy. I was quite shocked that he actually knew what the word entailed. If you knew the kind of person he was, you'd think when he heard the word "monogamy" he'd mistake it for a type of wood, rather than a form of committment. He stated that he was in a "monogamous" relationship with me, and because he was making the effort to stick with one woman, (in not so many words) I should fulfill his sexual needs, due to his reassurance that he isn't going anywhere.

Let's take a side note for a second. First off, I want to know where the hell men get off thinking that because for once in their life they aren't going around sticking their penises in any and everything that has a warm hole, that we should reward them for it. I asked him was he trying this "monogamy" thing out for me/us or for himself. His response: "I mean, it's for myself." Ooooooookay buddy, so why should I feel obligated to turn over, spread my legs or open my mouth (whichever you may be in the mood for) when you blatantly tell me that your new-found outlook on relationships has NOTHING to do with me or us?? Why is it always about the incentives? What about the sense of value you gain? Or the fact that for once you are getting to know someone through their mind, their spirit, their conversation? One thing I refuse to do, is succumb to the sexual and egotistical needs & wants of a man who's only concern is what he can benefit from the little bit he decides to give, rather than what can he do to make OUR relationship (in and out of the bedroom) better.

Now back to my friend. During our conversation last night, I brought up a very interesting television show called "Black Men Revealved". The show consists of the host and 4 other African American men who discuss certain issues that plague relationships between them and their companion(s). One episode in particular discussed why men cheat. Some of them had very legitimate reasons behind their infidelity. Others were just plain stupid. When my friend and I began talking about some of the contents of the show, he proved to be "just plain stupid". Unfortunately, he is so incredibly narrow-minded that he can't see past the sexual aspect of a relationship. In his mind, sex is really what it boils down to. Although I have had my share of dogs, I do believe that there are men out there who are capable of getting to know a woman on a much deeper level that doesn't involve the walls of her vagina. I have to be careful about the amount of information I give too soon in a new relationship, but I must admit, I truely believe I have finally found someone who I have a spiritual and intellectual connection with. My biggest turn-ons in a man are the ability to hold an intelligent conversation, someone who is educated, and knows his into a woman's mind. Men give me compliments all the time about the way I look, but for the first time, the other day, I had someone tell me that it is "refreshing" to meet someone who can hold a conversation. It may sound simple to most people, but it is very rare that I am lucky enough to run into someone who actually cares about and listens to what I have to say. I don't want to be presumptuous, but so far I'm feeling extremely blessed.

I used to blog about love and relationships when I was down and out about not having one to call my own. I recently discovered that I am finally happy being me. I'm alone, but I'm never lonely, and there's a difference. The best relationship I will ever have, is the one I have with myself, and unfortunately, for many many years, it was the main one I neglected and never appreciated. I often sit back and wonder where the hell my head was for so long. How could I really expect a man to love or even like me for my mind and my spirit, when I didn't even acknowledge that those attributes are important. I'm very thankful to God for shedding light on a lot of things I was too blind to see. I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth because I finally recognize and know the value of it. I hope all of the changes I have made, and will continue to make, only prevoke growth and strength as a woman, a companion, a lover, a friend, an employee, but most importantly, as a person.

New Year, New Attitude

2009-01-02T17:00:00.003-06:00

2008 was the year I attempted to conquer the one thing that plagues so many young, single women: men. There was the possessive-insecure-psycho, the alcoholic, the married guy, the in-between, the loose cannon and the flake. All of which have proven to be nothing more than a waste of my time. It is said that all women must kiss a toad or two in order to find her prince charming, but what happens when you kiss your prince charming and he turns out to be a toad? We as women spend more time picking out a pair of shoes that we may only wear a few times, than we do the men in our lives. Oddly enough, if there is one little thing wrong with the shoe, we put it back and move on to another store in hopes of finding the perfect footwear. When it comes to men, however, we see 99 things wrong with him, but choose to overlook them in hopes to either change him or avoid being single. So what's worse? No shoes, or no man? As a 20 year old, I relied on the advice from magazines such as Cosmopolitan in order to figure men out and try a few sex or kissing tricks that would "make a man fall in love". As a 22 year old, Cosmopolitan is simply an alcoholic beverage that looks better than it tastes. In life, we are always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment. So let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous; why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero? There are times when a woman relishes being alone. There are the other times when we are so hungry for a spark that we fall into a dating mirage and hallucinate a man. Society tells us that women are not allowed to have it all: a wildly successful career and a relationship, and we must choose between one or the other. However, some of us are capable of having both due to our ability to accept that having it all requires us to not expect things to look like more than they actually are.

People say everything happens for a reason. These people are usually women, and these women are usually sorting through a break up. It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a good-bye, but apparently women must either get married or learn something. Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius? Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain? I once saw an episode of Sex & The City where Carrie got dumped via post-it note. Later that evening she and her friends were out and she coincidentally ran into one of her ex-boyfriend's friends. He introduced her to the group of friends he was with as "Jack's girlfriend". Carrie was then forced to explain that she and Jack were no longer together. His reaction was nothing short of a typical one coming from a man. She informs him of the cowardly way she was dumped and once again, no reaction. Out of a sheer emotional reflex, she blurts out that not only did they have problems, but he was bad in bed! In order to spare going down the lowest road possible, she walks back over to him and admits that what she said was only due to the humiliation and hurt she was subjected to via post-it. Every pussy-ass man in America uses the same excuse that they were "just afraid" because women have a tendency to get angry and not take break-ups that well. So while you pathetic excuse for men are out there thinking that there is no real way to break up with a woman, guess what? There is! You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman (to her face) that you no longer want to see her. Call me crazy, but I think that you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include an email, a text message or a Dear John letter. I think that you all can get over your fear of "looking like the bad guy" and actually have the uncomfortable break up conversation because avoiding that will make you look like the bad guy! And for the record, most women aren't angry, irrational psychos. We just want an ending to a relationship that is thoughtful and decent and utters what we had together. So my point is, there is a good way to break up with someone and it doesn't include a post-it!
Moral of the story: don't go to bed angry (this is the result).

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or even a heart, you look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there isn't always someone there to catch you. In life there aren't any safety nets, so when did it stop being fun and start being scary? I've decided that it's time to leave fear behind, and have some fun. HEL-LOOOO 2009!

Cheating Only Causes You To Cheat Yourself

2008-12-01T15:21:00.004-06:00

Since age 14 I have been incredibly entertained by the show "Cheaters". The fact that there are people who actually muscle up the courage to commit acts of infidelity and show no remorse for cheating but are instead upset that there are cameras in their faces cracks me up. The first question out of their lying ass mouths is always, "You couldn't just come to me and talk to me?? You had to go and get all these cameras to follow me??" Never mind the hurt and humiliation they have inflicted on their so-called loved ones by being sneaky and dishonest, they've got cameras in their faces! So why do men cheat? Is it lack of communication? Intimacy issues? Or perhaps the excitement that they once felt for their significant other has lost it's flame. Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls--because they can. Simply put (but not justified) it's part of their biology. Ladies, instead wasting all of our energy condemning it, maybe we should all get in line and face reality of the situation...right? Although this sounds very empowering, there's one important detail that seems to be forgotten here: women cheat as well! Some may view women cheating as being completely different from a man cheating for the simple fact that most women don't go around randomly attacking every man she is attracted to. Unlike men, we're not driven by testosterone. So what does drive women one might ask? Emotions. Somewhere inside a majority of us there's a little voice screaming "Made for life! Made for life!" The problem is, different people have different definitions of what constitutes cheating. Some don't tolerate it, others are a bit more forgiving--maybe even more "realistic" about human nature. Granted these individuals are the ones who are more likely to cheat. I, however don't think that cheating can be defined in absolute terms. Do I think it's okay to cheat? No. But I do believe that there is a "cheating curve" specifically if some one's definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat. Call it moral relativism if you'd like, I prefer to think of it as quantum cheating. :) In another aspect the act of cheating can be defined by the act of getting caught--one doesn't exist without the other. It is then that cheating becomes somewhat like the proverbial tree in the forest: It doesn't exist if no one is around to catch you. In order to avoid any confusion on how far you are or are not allowed to go when cheating becomes an issue, simply avoid making new friends of the opposite sex. Your significant other should be your main source of satisfaction which is why the two of you established the title of being in a relationship in the first place. Don't put yourself in a predicament that could ultimately cause you to get cheated out of a good thing because you chose to cheat.

2008-11-13T18:54:00.002-06:00

At what point do we begin to let go of the false sense of hope that someone actually has real potential to become our significant other? I suppose everyone, at some point or another, feels that they would cheat themselves out of a good thing once they give up if they don't see enough progress in a certain amount of time. But is it really worth the hurt and humiliation to continue holding onto to something that may never be? Sometimes, I suppose we get the short end of the stick regardless. We hang in there praying that he/she will come to their senses and realize what they have in front of them only to find out that they knew the entire time that they had no real intentions of pursuing anything more than a physical or platonic relationship. On the other hand, those of us who are strong enough to leave (before we are left) look back feeling incredibly foolish to have ever allowed someone to take up that much of the time we could have spent A). Soul searching, B). With someone else, or C). By our damn selves! Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right? It amazes me how arrogant and childish some people are. The ones who lack any real substance are the main ones walking around as if they are soooo unattainable when, truth be told, they are the ones with the most baggage. Raise your hand if you want an insecure, flakey-ass, overly sensitive, bullshittin' muuhfucka who runs their mouth more than they can back it up? *Whomp Whooooommmmp!!!* And when are we going to discontinue using every "legitimate" excuse that we can come up with in order to keep from looking like the bad guy? Any real man or woman is going to appreciate the truth over a load of crap any day.

I have a friend who spent 2 whole years of her life waiting on a man whom she loved more than (I believe) she loved herself. I was pretty surprised when he finally came around and decided to make things official, but I wasn't surprised when he allowed one small arguement to determine the status of their relationship. Do I think this man ever really loved this woman? Actually, yes I do. Do I believe he loved her as much if not more than he loved himself? Absolutely not. Granted I only know one side of the story, but the fact that he took 2 years cosummate a "title" leaves me to believe that once the Tom & Jerry phase was over, so was the whole point of stringing her along. I am a firm believer that people get satisfaction out of making others look pathetic and desperate by filling their heads with lies and empty promises. I know, I know...people only go as far as others allow them. But what if they were truely oblivious to what was going on around them. I'm amazed at the amount of people I know personally who could win Academy Awards for their acting skills, lol. It's just really sad that the main people who complain about not being able to find "the right person" are the ones who are in dire need of some serious self-evaluation. Unfortunately you can't change people. As much as we would love to slap some sense into those who ignorantly pass the blame onto this person, that person, and her and her and him too the only two options we have are: 1). Pray for them. 2). Remove them from our lives.

My outlook on several things has significantly changed over the last 8 months or so. I have definitely learned to appreciate things for what they are really worth (including myself) and my ability to see through the lies and bullshit has increased by 100%. I'm also proud of the fact that I have now become so secure with myself that rather than settling for something that's "good enough" I aim for things that excite me more and more each day. I'm only 22 and by no means do I have everything figured out. I continue to make mistakes just like any other human being, but the difference between the old and new ME is that my head is no longer in the clouds. I take disappointment like a grain of salt and I'm liable to let a nigga know with no hesitation. I feel blessed to have the ability to let go and move on with my life without allowing hurtful situations dictate my sense of happiness. So here's to the ones who have lied, cheated, manipulated, used & abused; those of us who were brave enough to walk away and strong enough to stay away we owe you...NOTHING! *middle finger*

Barack Obama 2008

2008-11-05T20:42:00.005-06:00

Last night was an emtional one on so many levels. I remember being 17 and in my junior year of high school, taking a U.S. History class. I will never forget asking the teacher if he thought that we would ever have a black president. As soon as the question came out of my mouth, he responded with a quick and casual, "No." He then stated that if we ever did, it would not be while he or I were alive. It is by far the greatest feeling my heart has ever known to prove him wrong. Not for the sake of proving him wrong, but because last night we achieved what most thought was the impossible. No one of other ethnicities or races will ever be able to understand what a monumental and historic event Nov. 4, 2008 is and always will be. I took Obama's winning as a personal triumph. I, fortunately, never had to endure the things so many of our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and ancestors have gone through in order to get to where we are today, but I most definitely sympathize and take any and everything that has happened to my fellow African American people to heart. To hear the words, "Our new President-Elect of the United States is Barack Obama" was so surreal. I was overwhelmed with emotions and found myself almost in tears to know that the steps our slave ancestors built that lead up to the White House are now the very ones an African American man will be standing at the top of. I have never been more proud in my entire life to be African American. More than the issue of race, I truely believe that this man will bring our country back to state of well being. Things are going to take time and it always gets worse before it gets better, but I know, in my heart, that over the next 4 years we will most definitely see great improvements. A lot of people doubt that this man is capable of staying true to the promises he's made, but what's important is that more people know that he will make necessary changes to our economy. The next 4 years are going to change our lives. Get ready!

MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!

Cruise Control

2008-11-02T16:53:00.003-06:00

I often write and speak a lot about relationships. This is mainly due to the fact that I am so horrible at them, although I'm beginning to get better each time a new man enters my life. So what exactly defines a relationship? I know people who met, began talking, went out on a few dates and before long, they've spent so much time together that it's understood that they are now a couple. I can't recall a time this has ever been the case for me. I dated one guy for about 6 months and as long as everything was good between us, I was his "girl", but as soon as things went bad I "wasn't his girl". This wasn't really his way of breaking up with me, but more of a way to control the situation so that he could constantly manipulate me and the extent of our "relationship". Because of this incredibly unhealthy situation I have gained a completely different way of thinking upon meeting someone new. I have learned to go with my first instinct and trust the signs that are clear and evident. I will be the first to admit that I have always been somewhat--okay VERY impulsive and would jump straight to the physical aspect of a relationship before even getting a decent meal and/or movie. Nowadays, I'm honestly a little afraid of intimacy. Something as simple as a kiss can create a window of possibilities of more physical things happening which opens the door to a plethora of emotions and feelings that can ultimately lead to a 50/50 chance of either heart break or commitment.

What happens when you meet an individual who is so scorned from their previous relationship that they almost have no way of committing to a simple conversation over drinks? I've had to learn (the hard way) that when someone is still licking their wounds, it's in your best interest and theirs to just be friends. I've had one man in particular tell me at least once in every conversation we've had that he's "not ready/looking for a relationship". The last time I checked, a relationship was not a factor in our process of getting to know one another. So I asked him, "Are you trying to convince me...or yourself that you're not looking/ready for a relationship?" And what was his answer? ".........". Yes, complete silence. Let me be the first to say that this man fits the bill of what I would consider "my type". He works, he has great conversation, he's good looking and has something to offer any individual who is lucky enough to be with him. With all of these characteristics rolled into one person, the potential to be with him (in more ways than one) definitely crosses my mind. But there's no rush. I know through experience that although time waits for nothing and nobody, it tells all.

Sometimes it's not enough to tell someone that what you say is true. Certain individuals rely solely on actions because it is for sure that they speak louder than words. However, in order to know whether or not that person is being genuine or telling you what they think you want to hear or acting out what they believe you want to see, you have to open up and allow them to showcase their sincerity one way or another.

Part 2

2008-10-22T00:26:00.001-05:00

As I was browsing and being nosy, I stumbled upon a blog (by someone I don't know) and read her entry discussing something that she said she had been hearing a lot of lately: the DEMANDS women put on potential suitors. Over the last few years I have most definitely raised my standards although the things that really truely count, I'm still struggling with. I work, so I expect anybody that I date to have a job as well. I have my own vehicle and I feel my man should too. I don't have my own place yet, but I do expect someone that I'm seeing to be living with ANYONE besides his mother. I know that sounds hypocritical, but we have all at one point or another dated a mama's boy and as long as a man is living with his mother, there's only room for one woman in the house and it's not gonna be you. This woman went on to give an example of someone she knew personally who would "parking lot pimp" and approach men who drove luxary vehicles. I suppose the only reason she preferred men who drove nice cars is because at one point she was married to an ex-football player. What she clearly failed to realize is that there are PLENTY of broke ass men out there who want everybody to believe that they actually have something by flossing a Benz that they more than likely live out of because they can't afford a decent one bedroom apartment. I have never been one to live outside my means and although image is very important to me, I refuse to spend all of my hard earned money on clothes and shoes when I have other financial responsiblilites to take care of. But I digress.

I have a relative who is only 19 years old, but has already began to base whether or not a man is worthy of her attention based on "what he can do" for her. I guess she's got it honest because her mother is the same way. My mom has always preferred a man who could bring something to the table, but she has also been very independent and was able to take care of the both of us without the help of a man.As I stated in a few blogs back, it is due to my own personal satisfaction that I have made it a personal goal to live completely alone for a least 1 year before I even consider living with a man. I plan on having a successful career within the next couple of years so I don't see why that should be a problem for me. I guess I just worry about falling victim to the very thing that gets a woman caught up in a situation where she's insecure on whether or not she can afford to take care of herself without the financial support of a man. I honestly can't see myself getting married and starting a family while I'm in my 20's. I feel these are the years that I'm supposed to enjoy myself and find out what I really want in life. My mom has told me several times over the last few years that there is no written rule that says you have to get married and have kids. I think a lot of this is her trying to encourage me to be self-supporting above anything else. I think if she could have done everything all over again she would have waited a few more years and probably had kids and got married to a different man.

I am very fortunate that throughout the years of dating several losers, nothing has perminately done any damage. It is very difficult as a woman to make clear conscious decisions without basing it on a feeling that may be hard to deal with a the time, but very likely that you will get over. I'm more than ready to meet a man with whom I can have a lasting and healthy relationship with, but my days of being desperate and willing to settle for something that is way less than I deserve are long gone. For women (and men) who are getting what they feel they don't deserve, take a step back and look at the kind of people you're surrounding yourself with. After all, you're only as good as the company you keep...

Part 1

2008-10-15T21:05:00.002-05:00

YESSSSSSS! For once the face I'm making isn't totally hideous. LoL ..

WHOOO LET THE DOGS OOOOOUT!!?

2008-10-14T21:21:00.003-05:00

I swear I wish I had more time to write on here...

When and where do men get off thinking that all they have to do is show up and they get what they want? Have none of you ever heard of the 6 letter word "effort"? It seems as if that word may have been removed from the male English language because here lately I am seeing little to none what-so-ever and it's becoming quite redundant. I admit I've mostly been the one to put my foot forward FIRST and try to do the half way thing just so that I can show that I'm not as selfish as most women are made out to be. But it never fails, men get too comfortable too quick and they totally disregard the fact that every once in a while a woman wants to be treated as such. I met up with an old "friend" this past weekend for lunch and some R&R afterwards. To begin with, I suggested a restaurant that I liked, but he had never been to. Right when we're getting ready to be on our way, he suggests something different at his convenience. Being the reasonable person I am, I went along with it even though I was very irritated with the fact that he couldn't even be considerate enough to try this place. What amuses me about this guy is he used to tell me all the time "Just name something. If there's something you want, tell me", and as soon as I do, he finds a way to manipulate the situation and have it his fucking way! Anyway, we order and eat our food, and instead of being a GENTLEMAN, he says "If you don't mind, I'll pay for my half and you pay for yours". I put a smile on my face but on the inside I was pissed off. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, I was not mad at the fact that he didn't pay for my meal, I was mad at the fact that he made NO effort in the least bit to meet me half way. He dictates what restaurant we go to and then can't even offer to pay for my little $11.00 meal that I didn't even enjoy! But you know what? I take full responsibility for the entire situation because all I had to say was "No, I really want to go to the other place". After all, I was the one driving! The worst part about the whole situation was the man goes back to my house and expects to actually get some! Not to sound like a hooker or anything, but if you can't do anything more than show your face around here then you gets NOTHIN'! I have honestly had it with men and their bullshit. I just want to meet a decent man with good values and morals when it comes to life and love, who has his head on straight enough to be heading in the right direction. To be honest, I did recently meet one who I could tell from the first conversation was a good catch, but due to the fact that he is fresh out of a relationship, I think it would be in his best interest and mine that we keep things on a platonic level. My mom told me earlier today that when it comes to men I have this "thing" where I try to save them from whatever problems they have while in the meantime, I put my personal (relationship) needs on hold. She might be right...

Vlog #2

2008-09-21T21:23:00.003-05:00

Why does it always look like I'm making an ugly ass face on these things?! Geez... Anywho! Enjoy!

Digging for gold...with chocolate in the middle ;)

2008-09-14T17:30:00.002-05:00

Thus far, it has been an uninteresting weekend with rather interesting events.

Friday was supposed to be a "date night" for me. Nothing major--dinner and a movie. The night before, I was having a casual conversation with the guy I was planning on going out with, and I casually asked him a rather personal question. Before I reveal the question, I would like to note that I did ask him to not take it the wrong way because some people (especially men) get rather defensive when someone asks certain things that they feel is either personal or irrelevant. Being that we were on the subject of work, I asked him what his salary was. Now before anybody freaks out or forms an opinion, I'd like to say that in my defense I did not ask him how much money he brought home on his paycheck. I probably should have worded it differently and asked what I really meant which was "how much does someone make doing what you do?" The night we were supposed to go out, he calls me and tells me, in not so many words, that he got the impression that I was after him for his money. I will admit that since I am getting older and trying to take dating a tad bit more seriously, a man's establishment is important to me. That does not necessarily mean that I'm concerned with whether or not he brings home over $50,000.00 a year. My dad doesn't make that much, and my mom substantially earns at least $15,000.00 more than he does, but it has never made a difference to her. Being that my mom has never been concerned with anything other than a man having a job, she has not raised me to rely on the financial security of a man for my well being. For the record (and yes I'm bragging) I work Mon-Fri earning a decent amount of money that allows me to pay for my own brand new vehicle, I pay for my own tuition as well as books, I pay my own cell phone bill (which is NOT cheap), and anything else that I need or want on a regular basis. Oh yeah, and I'm kid free. I do NOT need a man for anything other than company, comfort and a good lay every now and then. I know that some people may say that there has to be some truth behind it if I'm getting so defensive, but honestly, I strongly dislike women who look to a man for financial security. I take a great deal of pride in everything that I do independently and the last thing I want is for someone to put me in a category with gold-diggers. But I'm through explaining myself...

On a lighter note I have my first lab exam tomorrow and I'm shittin' bricks. I've been studying everyday for the past couple of weeks but I still don't feel fully prepared for it. I know that a lot of it is anxiety because the professor is basically throwing us to the wolves, but regardless of how well I do or don't do I'll know what to expect the next time and hopefully I won't stress as much.

Rescue me...PUH-LEASE!

2008-09-06T21:15:00.002-05:00

A quick intermission from my life a.k.a STUDYING.

I would have never thought that I would be so overwhelmed so quickly with school. I guess it's a matter of getting used to a new routine with doubled responsibilites. All I know is, thank GOD I don't have kids! I honestly don't see how people do it with families. It's hard enough to find time to get all of my other work and studying done without the stress or noise of children running around, although sometimes I feel like I live with a child when my deaf ass daddy has the t.v. cut up as loud as it'll go. So this will be the 2nd week in a row that someone has asked me to come out and I've had to say no because I can't afford to be out when I'm pressed for time to prepare for an exam 10 days from now. Even though it's disappointing that I had to decline, I'm pretty proud of myself for having my priorities in the right order. Aside from all of the work, the toughest part about everything going on right now is doing it without someone to talk to. But it could be a lot worse, so when I have my "moments" I always try to look at the bigger picture and count my blessings. I just really hate feeling lonely. I've always been the one out of everybody who was constantly single and never had a problem with that...until I start to get stressed and overwhelmed and realize that I have no one to comfort me. Why the hell am I even going on about this?? That kind of thing will always be around and it will be there when the time is right. At this point, my main focus is school--not work, not men, SCHOOL. I have my whole life to work and be in and out of love, but I'm very limited to the amount of time I have to complete my education.

And I'm back!

2008-09-01T20:03:00.004-05:00

So...I've been on a slight hiatus. Last Monday was my first day of school and I'm just glad I made it out alive lol! I was a little overwhelmed in the beginning and worried that I may have bit off more than I can chew, but I'm cool now. 4 out of the 5 classes I'm taking are part of the criteria to apply to the nursing program so I'll be busting my ass for the next 2 semesters. I'm excited that I'm finally on my little road to success, but I can't help but be worried that things won't go as I anticipate. It seems that every obsticle I run into, my faith in God grows stronger and stronger, and I don't think I've had more conversations with Him or prayed as much as I have lately, in my entire life.

On another note, I've had several revelations this week. I'm ready to start "cleaning house" with a lot of things in my life. I've definitely realized that I can't afford to have any distractions right now, because as soon as I allow the slightest thing to get my attention, I'll lose focus and put things that are very demanding of my attention off until the next day, then the next, then the next and then I'll look up and I've reached my deadline with nothing to hand in. So, I suppose for right now I'll be fine without the company and/or comfort of a man.

Speaking of men, do you ever wonder if the person you're waiting for is already there and you just don't realize it? We all have an ideal person embedded in our minds, making it very difficult to acknowledge the possibility that what we're looking for has been in front of us the whole time. If I could make a list of ingredients to create the perfect man, it would consist of the following: 2 cups Good looking, 1 1/2 cups great in bed, 1 cup good sense of humor, 2 tbsp job w/ benefits, 1 tbsp relationship with God, and 1 stick of honesty. Blend all of that at medium speed, bake for 21-26 years and ta-daaaaaa! You've got my perfect man made especially for me. Now I'm sure that there is a man somewhere out there that has all of the qualities and characteristics that I so desire, but I doubt I will find him anytime soon. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'm not as ready for that as I'd like to think I am. Then again, maybe I've already met him and I just don't know it. Sometimes you let things and people pass you by before you are able to see the true value in them, but as some of us get older and begin focusing on the things that truely matter within a person, we don't worry so much about the little things that may "excite" us.

This...is me :)

2008-08-17T23:23:00.004-05:00

I know that I look a HAWT ass mess and I know that I look extra eeeeextra chunky, but it was 10:30 at night and so not the time to be worried about looking like a beauty queen. I'm trying something new so I hope you enjoyed me talking about absolutely nothing. :)

Christina Aguilera-->Xtina-->Christina Aguilera

2008-08-15T20:29:00.003-05:00

There is something so incredibly beautiful about this woman.

I don't know very many people personally who listen to her music, but I started out, like everyone else, listening to her because she was part of the huge pop craze that hit pre-teens and teenagers like The Plauge about 10 years ago. Britney Spears, N'SYNC, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, I even remember some group that had a song out about Abercrombie & Fitch. Christina Aguilera was definitely not as popular as Britney was back then but let's compare the two nowadays and see where they are now that pop is no longer what's flying off the shelves at Best Buy and Target. Christina's second album titled "Stripped" has BY FAR been my favorite one to date. For the first couple of years I had the CD I listened to tracks 1-11 on repeat anytime I popped it in. Oneday I just decided to let the thing play all the way through, and after that I couldn't wait until she came out with another. The one thing I absolutely love about this woman's music is everything she sings about is what a lot of females seem to be afraid to say. Most of us hate to admit that after a break-up the real problem was that we were naive and blinded by what we wanted rather than what was really there, but still can't seem to let go. Or even the ones who are a little embarrassed to be themselves sexually. Afraid to be as liberal with their sexuality as a man is because of the double standards. And let's not forget about those of us who are so strong willed and stubborn that we have the hardest time admitting that sometimes we can't pick up the pieces and that *one guy* saves us from ourselves. And let us PUH-LEASE not forget how good the girl can saaaaaaaaang! I definitely feel she is nowhere near as recognized as the phenomenal singer/songwriter she is. However, I will go on to say that throughout the years she has been in the spotlight, it's been...interesting to see how certain events almost define the context of her albums. It's no mystery that when someone falls in love their whole lease on life is totally different, and when I say in love I don't mean the one that makes you swear you'll never love again, but the real one. The kind that makes you, well, sing! LoL. So, yeah, LADIES whether you're going through something or not, one way or another you will relate to this girl's lyrics because they are the truth and she sings it so beautifully. Download iTunes if you don't already have it and check out some of her music if you haven't heard her albums. Disappointment is not an option.

Blahhh!

2008-08-13T16:11:00.000-05:00

So here I am, day 3 of being siiiiiiiiiiiiick. I haven't been like this in God knows how long. I started out with body aches and no appetite (which is VERY unusual, lol) and then I've just gotten worse each day. I'll spare the details, but I stuck it out and went to work Monday and yesterday, but I HAD to stay in the bed today. I did get up for just a little while and decided to go see how well I was doing with my weight loss and I went down another pound!! So that makes about 23 all together and over all I've lost 18 inches. I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself, which is something new because I've always been very self-conscious. I suppose there are things here and there about my physical appearance that I will never be satisfied with, but for the the most part I'm feeling good. On another note, I'm not doing so well "personally". I still have yet to wake up feeling normal. I smile and laugh and go on with my daily life as if everything is normal and nothing bothers me. I guess it's fairly simple to do so because I keep trying to convince myself that I really am okay. I still pray and every time I start thinking about it I tell myself "you're okay, you'll be fine, you're strong". It's just...lonely. I remember feeling like this about a year ago. When I look back and think about how vulnerable I was there was almost nothing I was immune to when it came to men. That's exactly why I ended up with the bottom of the barrel. So until things change, I'll just keep a smile on my face and continue to be strong so that I don't fall victim to another person's split personality. I recently heard someone say that there are 3 chapters in a relationship: The Introduction, The Friendship, and The Intimacy. She explained that intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex, but the point in your relationship where you begin to share personal thoughts and feelings with each other. There's no time limit for it; it can take a few weeks, a few months or even a few years. Now, when you're in your early 20's that can all happen in one day! I just...miss him. Hmph, anyway. I'm starting school in a week and a half and I'm equally nervous as I am excited. I've been online constantly looking at all of my options as a RN. I know I have a couple of years before I have to even worry about it, but it's already been 2 years since I finished school the first time around! I'm also really looking forward to meeting new people. My 3 girls will always, always, always be my number 1, but it'll be interesting to see what kind of other people I become friends with.

Sunday Morning

2008-08-10T08:37:00.000-05:00

What a week!

Monday I GOT MY CAR!!!!! I feel like such a princess driving that car. The best part about it, is it's mine. I realized after getting that car that for the next few years the most important thing is me. I'm making it a priority that before I start a life with someone else, I have to have everything for myself and I want to make sure that I leave time to enjoy it. I've seen too many women go from having nothing to everything being "ours" instead of "mine", and I don't want that. Wednesday, I met up with an old friend and I had about a million and one thoughts going through my head the whole time. One thing he said to me that I could not agree more with, was that we jumped head first into our relationship. We had known each other in another life and I guess because of our history, I felt that there was no need to "get to know each other" or be friends for a while. But we are definitely not the same people today that we were back then. I'm a HUGE believer in God's will, and if it's meant to be it will be. There was never a bad moment between us and that's probably the hardest part about starting completely over and having a strictly platonic relationship. We both have a lot of personal things that need to be fixed before the two of us can go any further in life as a couple and actually have a healthy and successful relationship. All I can do is pray about it. I watched Waiting to Exhale this weekend and after years of seeing that movie over 100 times I finally get it. The one thing I love about that movie is in spite of the bullshit in their relationships they still remained strong women who depended on the foundation of their friendship with one another to get through hard times. One of the character's, Bernadine, was left after 11 years of marriage for another woman. The worst part for her was that she "didn't have a plan B". Her marriage was her life, her backbone and while no one enters a marriage expecting it to fail, too many women realize when it's too late that they don't know anything but their life at home. This goes back to what I said earlier about having my own. I'd love to get married and have a family, but I need to know for my own satisfaction that if things don't work out, I'll be just fine on my own. The one thing I loved about that movie was the closeness the 4 women had. I can only hope that as me and my girls get older and life changes we'll always look to each other for love and comfort. Because with your girls, you know it's always genuine.

Day 3

2008-08-03T08:59:00.000-05:00

So right now I'm kind of up and down with how I've been feeling the last few days. I've had a lot of time to think this weekend and one minute I'll be fine, the next minute I'm sad, a few minutes after that I get angry. I'll just be glad when I get back to normal and I'm happy again. I was cleaning out one of my purses yesterday and I found the ticket stub to the first movie we ever went to, and the stub for the last movie we saw. It made me giggle a little bit. But my day went on and it was pretty eventful for the most part. I had to babysit yesterday morning and for the first time, the kids parents left the car seat for the little one AND the keys to their Tahoe. I felt something like a queen sittin' up in that thing, lol. So Madisyn and I played "store" for a few minutes while Hagan ran around with his cup in one hand and a poptart in the other until they were ready to eat lunch. We went to Toot's and then to see Wall-E. I swear, I have NEVER been so bored in a movie in my entire life! LoL. But Madisyn wanted to see it, and Hagan actually sat there like a big boy and watched about half of it until he fell asleep. After we left the movie the kids, my parents and I hopped in the car and made our way to Gallitan to buy me a new car. Needless to say, my parents weren't happy with what the dealership was trying to sell us so everything fell through and I left with nothing. So our search continues as of tomorrow and hopefully by next weekend I'll be riding around in my BRAND NEW car. This is actually a big deal for me. The car will be in my name, making it my first real purchase and I am be-yoooond excited because I never would have thought that I would own the car I've dreamed of having since I was 16 at 21 years of age. For the first time, yesterday, my dad actually expressed how proud he was of me for always doing well in life. It meant a lot to hear him say that considering he's not the type to really "express" himself. On another note, have a bib handy when I post pics of my new vehicle because you will be drooling quite a bit, lol.

Session #1

2008-07-31T21:36:00.000-05:00

I thought that it would hurt more. I feel it, or at least I feel something, but it only hurts a little bit. Although I have to admit, I kind of expected him to say something when I told him that I was disappointed and wanted things to work, but knew that they weren't going to. You know, a simple "no it's not going to work" or "I wanted things to work too" would have sufficed. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out if when someone says nothing, are they telling you everything? The fact that he kept quiet could mean one of two things: A). He wasn't disappointed. Or B). Maybe he thinks things will work out in another place, another time. I may never know. I pray every night about this. It's been my main focus over the last few months but it's no longer in my hands. I learned a long time ago that when something or someone really means something to you the best way to figure things out is to leave it in the hands of a greater power. The love I have in my heart is undeniable; even amongst all the BS and "drama" I am still so in love. But what can I say? He saved me in more ways than one. He came along just when I was ready to convince myself that maybe I didn't have what it took to be with someone that I loved and adored and the feeling was reciprocal. He showed me what it was like to have fun in the most simple ways. He gave me a sense of weakness when he kissed me, something I never knew existed. He's my best friend. I could be bitter and angry and make him out to be a typical man that used me until it got old and left me for someone else to pick up the pieces, but he was and is one hell of a person. I used to always think that loving someone meant that you did whatever you had to do in order to prove to them where you stood when it came to your emotions, and I suppose in a way it does, but I've learned that part of loving someone is knowing when to let go. It doesn't do either person any good to hinder one another from finding themselves in a relationship. I was and still am very happy that I was able to share a portion of my life with him. I laughed, I cried, I felt things that I didn't know were real. I'm gonna miss what we had, but I look forward to what may come...